How to get Your Neighbors to Move Away

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Neighbors suck, right? I’ve begun a list of actions you can implement to help you become neighbor-free in as little as 30 days. Depending on how aggressively you adopt these suggestions, you will be nude sunbathing in no time.
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1. Create cryptic messages and drawings on your windows that face their house. Think scenes of bunny sacrifice and quotes from The Notebook.

2. Bust outside every time you see them come home, just to chat for a while. Chatty chatty chat chat chat.

3. Hover over them when they are gardening, offering up advice about what you like and don’t like out there. Then when they are asleep you can just go right ahead and move their plants around to your liking.

4. Laser pens. Use your imagination.

5. Strange ‘cooking’ ‘smells’ wafted in their ‘direction’ with a super ‘industrial’ ‘fan’.

6. Set up a little network of buckets and boxes in your back yard for your wild animal friends. They will need cozy beds, lots of food and water, and easy access to your neighbors’ yard- perhaps through a small hole cut open in their privacy fence?

7. Place your kids’ swing set as close as possible to their back deck. Cause we all know that when kids swing, they sing.

8. Drain their pool surreptitiously one night so they dive in the next day and get a huge cartoon lump with stars flying around it. HA! Too funny.

9. Teach your many little dogs to bark at your neighbors whenever they are outside.

10. Pee every 4′ along the fence that separates you, to mark your territory, of course.

11. 7am lawn mowings, baby.

12. Painting your house bright-ass pink will go a long way to ensure that maybe all of your neighbors will move away.

13. Get yourself a new baby and a drum set at the same time for loud times aplenty.

14. Install a dozen fake security cameras around the outside of your house, all pointing at your neighbors’ house.

15. Get your kids to blow dandelion puffs into your neighbor’s grass. Then sign your neighbor up with several landscaping services to come out and give free estimates on lawn care.

Above all, be creative and have fun. And let me know what sorts of neat things you’ve done, or would like to do, to your neighbors.

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44 Comments

  1. 04/17/2012 / 3:07 am

    All we had to do to get rid of our neighbors was go on vacation. Went on a 3 week camping trip…came back and neighbor 1 died. Went on a 2 week beach vacation..came back and neighbor 2 died. We've had no neighbors for a year and finally someone moved into one of the houses. We now have a neighbor with 8 kids, one of which is pregnant and they constantly seem to have cousins staying with them. I'm almost afraid to go on our camping trip this summer.

    • anne
      02/28/2016 / 7:10 am

      I need to go on this camping trip!! lol

      • Stephanie Blevins
        09/04/2016 / 10:57 pm

        Me too. Lol!

  2. 04/17/2012 / 3:16 am

    I have neighbors that have used some of these tactics on ME. Hmmmmm… and I'm considering moving. Proof that you are a genius and these all work!

  3. 04/17/2012 / 4:46 am

    Tell me more about this 'fan.'

    All great suggestions. Strangely, it seems my neighbours have employed these techniques on me already – making heavy use of one you've left out – making threats against your neighbours personal safety. If you can manage that without witnesses, you're homefree. Witnesses and you'll still get new neighbours – on cell block D.

  4. 04/17/2012 / 4:46 am

    That's some crazy power you have. Weren't these people warned to not move in next to you?

  5. 04/17/2012 / 5:11 am

    I actually had a neighbor come after me with a baseball bat when my dog peed on the grass next to the curb outside his house. Very creepy.

  6. 04/17/2012 / 7:45 am

    These are great ideas. Quotes from the Notebook – brilliant!

    Seriously I could see some of these as retaliation for 1. my neighbor who had several unsightly tarp covered sheds in his yard and 2. the other neighbors that dump there yard waste in our woods.

  7. 04/17/2012 / 7:51 am

    15 is my favorite!!! 🙂

    We have some pretty crappy neighbors on one side…perhaps I should put some of these to use.

  8. 04/17/2012 / 10:16 am

    Excellent Tips! We have a terrible neighbor living behind us. He once said that he called the city because of someone's wind chime in the neighborhood and asked for the city to remove it. My husband and I have had many conversations about purchasing the world's largest wind chime.

  9. 04/17/2012 / 10:36 am

    That would send me over the edge if I knew my neighbor was dumping yard waste in my woods. Evil.

  10. 04/17/2012 / 10:36 am

    Do it! And document it and report back.

  11. 04/17/2012 / 10:37 am

    That would be funny- or a gong in your yard. I bet he'd enjoy that.

  12. 04/17/2012 / 1:02 pm

    We have new babies above and below us and I swear they are trying to out us. Imma use the food smells and cat barking suggestions. I love TT!!!

  13. 04/17/2012 / 2:17 pm

    We had very chatty neighbors at our last house. They once waved us down when we were pulling out of our driveway, late for something, to just chat. I can attest that chatting is highly effective.

  14. 04/18/2012 / 7:39 am

    We have some neighbors that have passive aggressive signs that no dogs should use their lawn (the part that the dog is legally allowed to use) to "toilet." The sign does its own magic, since what dog can resist peeing on a sign? The grass is totally burnt out there. I love dogs.

  15. 04/18/2012 / 8:37 am

    See, these only work if you live in a house, but my neighbors all live in the same building as I do. I'm thinking in my case I'd have to do things a little more hands-on, like taking pictures of them while they're in the kitchen and posting them in the bathroom.

  16. 04/18/2012 / 1:49 pm

    When your neighbors come home from vacation, send the kids over to play in their yard before they even unlock the front door.

  17. 04/18/2012 / 2:13 pm

    Based on all of the wildlife living in our backyard, and all of the dandelions sprouting up, I'm now beginning to wonder if someone is trying to get us out of the neighborhood.

  18. 04/18/2012 / 4:41 pm

    Uh oh. You should definitely go question all your neighbors and see who acts the most nervous.

  19. 04/18/2012 / 4:50 pm

    Cat barking sounds good. And scary. Babies above and below you sound scary, too. That's loudness.

  20. 04/18/2012 / 4:51 pm

    We're so lucky to not have chatty neighbors. It seriously makes you feel like you need to sprint to your car and back into your house and never do yard work.

  21. 04/18/2012 / 4:58 pm

    That's awesome. You should sneak a toilet out there some night.

  22. 04/18/2012 / 4:59 pm

    Yes! There's so much good stuff you can do to apartment neighbors. I think crazy notes shoved under their doors every day would be fun, too.

  23. 04/18/2012 / 5:00 pm

    And see how long they can detain the neighbors before they get into their house. That's a fun game for the kids, too!

  24. Julie
    04/19/2012 / 10:15 am

    We used to have some neighbors with a creepy 7 year old daughter. Our washer and dryer are in our garage and whenever if the garage door was open when I went out, their daughter would always magically appear out of nowhere. I always checked to make sure that I couldn't see her outside anywhere, but there she would be each time I turned around to go back inside. It was creepy because I could never hear her coming and she would never say anything, she just waited there right outside of our garage watching me. So, I started making sure the garage door was closed each time before I went out to do laundry. Eventually she caught me outside and told me that her mom said that I was a bad neighbor. Yeah, right! Their daughter is stalking me in my garage, riding her bike up and down my driveway all the time and peeking in neighbor's windows and I'm the one that's a bad neighbor. Fortunately, they eventually moved. Unfortunately, they still own the house and one of their family members lives there, so we still see them occasionally.

  25. Sarah G
    04/20/2012 / 10:22 am

    Man I need to try some of these!!

  26. 04/20/2012 / 10:27 am

    That would have SO freaked me out- this made me laugh, though. I guess you were a bad neighbor 'cause you got wise to her weird sneaking around.

  27. 04/20/2012 / 10:28 am

    Do it. I guarantee these 100%, so let me know what happens!

  28. 04/21/2012 / 3:59 pm

    How do I get rid of neighbors with annoying loud kids? They're getting under my skin!

  29. 04/22/2012 / 4:38 pm

    I must try the peeing and 7 am mowing. The new baby with drum kit did not work at all I am afraid!!

  30. Jaloney
    07/13/2012 / 9:26 pm

    This is hilarious! Made me think a little lighter about my loud mouth cussing mean spirited retarded neighbor. Thanks for that.

  31. your funny
    01/20/2013 / 5:09 pm

    all these suggestions will just back fire on you and you'll get evicted by the city. GF <3

  32. 04/07/2013 / 7:46 am

    I have neighbots that deserve to fucking die

    They swear at you and fuck up my gardind

    I was thinking of doing something to them

    That make them sit in a hospital for ever and ever! But then i found this site and thought maby this wil help. Putting camera's to the door en watching them 24/7 haha!!

    But if not I'm gonna kill 'm anyway

    Many thanks

  33. Sam
    08/02/2013 / 5:56 am

    Buying and hanging hundreds of wind chimes would probably be more effective and easier to find. I would also add, as constantly as possible, burning some artificially sweet smelling incense in an area where it would waft into their range. I’m thinking strawberry or cherry. Tell them you are “freshening the air”. As a final note, loop new age music so it plays 24 hours a day, loud enough to be annoying but not loud enough to be illegal – check your local laws for the allowable decibels. If they say anything, tell them you are adjusting your qi.These should help.

    • anne
      02/28/2016 / 7:14 am

      Actually, if my neighbours did this I’d love it! windchimes, incense and new age music is lovely 🙂

      • 03/02/2016 / 1:48 pm

        I think you either love or hate wind chimes. I get soooo distracted by the sound- it drives me batty!

  34. Deidre
    04/20/2015 / 1:09 pm

    I could list several instances where the family next door to me has displayed unusual behavior. They watch me from their windows and peep into mine. It has become apparent that the wife is mentally unstable and the best thing for me to do is ignore her and her family. This works very well for me.

    • 04/23/2015 / 9:00 am

      So creepy. I’m so lucky that my neighbors are great where I live now, but it’s really amazing how many people have unfortunate neighbors.

  35. John
    10/23/2016 / 4:24 am

    My bad neighbours live in the appartment below me, on the second floor. No garden, no access to windows….etc. Not helpful

  36. moving neighbor
    11/01/2016 / 3:28 am

    Ha ha those tactics are used on me .makes me think now.because i definitely want to move. i live at bottom apt the stomping and marching could be added to that list.always meet when i leave and when i come home. loud music loud talking.lol.wow i guess the tactics work.iam willing to take a place lesser than what i am in to get away.very smart ideas lmao

    • 11/02/2016 / 11:19 am

      Yep- I’ve been there. It sounds like the roof is going to cave in on you… well, enjoy the peace of your new place. 🙂

  37. Honey
    11/19/2016 / 4:33 pm

    I had a problem neighbor a long time ago, all l did was got to know there basic habits around there house by hanging around them, then l anonimesly called them up from a blocked number untell they answered there phone or untell l got voicemail, l then read there street address to them and told them what l thought they were doing in there house during my phone call, they moved out the next day.

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