How to Land a Job

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Today’s Lifewhack will focus on the current events topic of jobs. Some people have ’em, some people don’t. Want one? Then follow my advice closely.

Resume

Resumes are tricky business, folks. To embellish the truth or just outright lie? To go with the sparkle paper or the hot pink cardstock. To mail it in a big box with cookies, or via singing telegram. I don’t know. But I do know this. You only have 1/2 a second to grab them, so let’s just focus on your objective line. Anything after that is icing.

After all the nonsense of name and email and phone number, you’ll want your objective line to punch ’em in the nuts and make them beg you to come in for an interview. None of this namby-pamby bullshit. Look at the following 2 examples and tell me which is better:

  • To secure a position with a well established organization with a stable environment that will lead to a lasting relationship in the field of finance.
  • POW! Finance Freddy seeks major powerhouse with which to cozy up and make beautiful money babies together.

If you chose the second one, you are correct and on your way to gainful employment.

 

Landing the Interview

When you are inevitably called for your interview, make them work a little. They want you. Reschedule the interview a few times, and ultimately have them wait for at least 15 minutes to start the interview so you can “put out some fires” at your current job. Pace around on your cell phone, pretending to yell orders at people, and you will impress the little pants off of these people.

 

Deciding What to Wear

I tend to favor ball gowns for interviews. Not only do they lend a flirty, unexpected ‘pop’ to your first impression, they will make you feel invincible. Nobody fucks with pretty princesses.

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At the Interview

You’re there. In the hot seat. They will tell you that you are ‘interviewing them’ as well, so take them literally. I like to do this by answering each question with a question. This will reiterate the fact that you are in control by continuing the fun game you began while scheduling your interview.

Them: So, Debbie, why exactly did you leave your last job?

You: Don’t you find that trite? I mean why do any of us leave our jobs? Lack of marriageable men? Boring office gossip? You tell me. Why did I choose to leave my job? NEXT QUESTION? Do you think we should move on to the next question?

Body language says a lot about you and how serious you are about wanting this job. Lean in extremely close to your interviewer, never taking your eyes from theirs. Try not to blink if you can help it. Copy each hand gesture and facial expression of theirs (This is called mirroring and is subconsciously flattering to them.) Better yet, If you have time before the interview, train your eyes so that you can keep one locked on them and one looking around the room. This sort of multi-tasking is favored by many corporations.

Soon the interview will conclude, and you will be left with the awkward question of whether to shake their hand or kiss them goodbye. I say go for a hearty arm slug and a hair ruffle. This highlights your affectionately confident nature. Saunter out with a big wink and you’re as good as hired.

 

The Job Offer

Soon, most likely the next day, you’ll receive your job offer phone call. Rattle off something in French and hang up. When they call back, laugh uproariously and tell them you’ll see them Monday.

Pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to a giant frozen tofu sundae. You’ve beaten the odds.

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18 Comments

  1. 01/10/2012 / 4:36 am

    BWAH! "Finance Freddy."

    Also, I'm wondering if a very excited "Slap it like you mean it!" offer of a high-five wouldn't totally seal the deal.

  2. 01/10/2012 / 6:46 am

    You are probably right about landing the interview. I bet people WOULD hire you for that. And the prom dress, of course.

  3. christian nyberg
    01/10/2012 / 7:44 am

    "Money babies" ha ha! Great post

  4. 01/10/2012 / 8:37 am

    oOoh! so that's how you do it… So funny!!!

    Actually there is a lot of truth in this post. Being confident and interesting. I am so lucky I only had to do this once (I kept my job for a long time). I totally stink at interviews. I come across as nervous and boring. Actually not sure how I got that job in the first place. Oh well, My secret plan is to never have to apply for a full-time job every again (don't tell my husband). Isn't that the reason why we have kids?!!!

  5. 01/10/2012 / 9:53 am

    Can I just say "Eiffel Tower" or do I need to actually learn something in French?

  6. 01/10/2012 / 10:21 am

    There should be more arm slugging and hair ruffling at interviews.

  7. 01/10/2012 / 11:05 am

    Now I know how to find a suitable partner on-line (that is different from an on-line partner), a house and a job. I am pretty well set.
    Thanks for the advice, but you owe me for the mascara running down my cheeks. You crack me up.

  8. 01/10/2012 / 12:46 pm

    I work for a recruiting firm. Do you mind if I send this in a firm wider? And then pack up my desk after firation occurs. You have a gift. If only our candidates followed these rules my job would be so more awesome.

  9. 01/10/2012 / 2:46 pm

    That is so great that I am gonna start using it with the kids ALL the time. They'll be so annoyed.

  10. 01/10/2012 / 2:46 pm

    Yes. Kids= justifying not looking for a job.

  11. 01/10/2012 / 2:48 pm

    I think that should suffice. Or maybe you could say something in another language- do you know any German? That would be sooo dramatic!

  12. 01/10/2012 / 2:50 pm

    I am so pleased to have been instrumental in helping you turn your dead-end life around. Here's a tip for the mascara problem: black Sharpie.

  13. 01/10/2012 / 2:51 pm

    I'm figuring out all sorts of little details about you. You should definitely circulate this, and I am totally free for hire to help institute the practices.

  14. 01/10/2012 / 2:52 pm

    Maybe just in general- I'd love to slug and hair ruffle every one I met.

  15. 01/10/2012 / 2:53 pm

    Prom dresses are so much fun- especially when middle aged women wear them.

  16. 01/11/2012 / 5:09 am

    Exceedingly informative and helpful! I really need to get a prom dress now. I would also love your advice on cover letters as they weren't part of this tutorial. I'm still trying to nail down the perfect cover letter.

  17. 01/12/2012 / 7:07 am

    FAN-tastic! I can't wait to fwd this to my husband. I am sure he will appreciate the sage advice of an expert.

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