I’m Slightly Nervous

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Here are some things that terrify Beckett:

 

1. Scary Halloween skeleton.

skeleton

 

2. Penguin cool air vaporiser.

penguin1

 

It’s the eyes that do it.

penguin2

 

So we blindfold it with a dust mask.

penguin4

 

No peeking, you little blue freak.

penguin3

 

Here are some things that terrify me:

1. Losing my family.

2. Going completely, batshit crazy.

3. Public speaking.

Now, lately I have been particularly struck when I hear mention of the idea of trying things that scare you. Can anyone guess why I’ve been struck by this idea? No? I’ll tell you. It’s because I know that I’m a little too far into my comfort zone. I’ve gone soft, folks.

As a mom I am focusing on my kids and pushing them and stretching their little brains, but I have slipped into embracing a routine for myself. A routine is something I shunned all through my 20’s, and is what keeps me sane now. In effect, this has come to mean: NOTHING NEW. If something happens, and I didn’t know about it in advance, I FREAK. Usually internally, and usually just a tiny bit, but my carefree, happy-go-lucky days are long gone.

This is why, when I opened a Christmas present from my sister, my eyes bulged out and my heart palpitated and I yelled, OH MY GOD, as I stared down at the paper in my hands. Even though I had asked her about a month earlier if she wanted to run a 5k with me, this was the proof that she had signed us up. Mine was a hypothetical 5k, I mean, I wanted to try a 5k, but not anticipate the 5k.

So essentially, I just completely contradicted myself. On one hand, I want to know about everything that will happen days in advance, but then on the other hand I don’t want to have to live with the anticipation of something coming in the future.

What a mess I am. What a terrible, freakish mess.

Here’s what I’ve deduced: I hate the nervousness of anticipating something that is out of the norm, but I’m really excited about running the 5k. I’m excited to try something new, excited to do something that celebrates being healthy, excited to be a positive role model for my daughter. My mom would have never done something like this. I’m breaking the mold of the women in my family who have always smoked, cocktail-houred (and houred), and not exercised.

This is why we do things that scare us a little because thy make us feel alive, and then we think about things. And we feel feelings! Real, live feelings. Jesus, that’s heady.

Anyway, as 2013 begins, I am focusing on noticing what scares me. Not the giant things beyond my control, but I will enjoy the anticipation of a run, a mammoth blogging conference this coming July, and whatever other little surprises arise throughout the year.

15 Comments

  1. 01/02/2013 / 6:28 am

    You will rock that 5k! Routine is no bad thing, just remember to throw in one of those cocktails now and again!!!

  2. 01/02/2013 / 7:35 am

    Wow, good for you! I totally know what you mean. It is so easy to feel safe but stagnant in your predictable life. You are an inspiration!

  3. 01/02/2013 / 12:42 pm

    Maybe it's because I'm a twentysomething myself, but I don't understand at all why you would be terrified of going batshit crazy. Isn't that, like, life's goal?

    I understand the fear of the penguin though. He's a little bit creepy… like that bad date you went on with the really nerdy guy who seemed nice but also like he was staring through your soul every time you spoke, and then after the date you still couldn't get his eyes out of your brain…

  4. 01/02/2013 / 1:22 pm

    "On one hand, I want to know about everything that will happen days in advance, but then on the other hand I don’t want to have to live with the anticipation of something coming in the future." <– Yes, this. Exactly.

  5. 01/02/2013 / 1:45 pm

    I guess anyone who runs can do a 5k.

    I think if we were honest, most of us ought to face our fears.

  6. 01/02/2013 / 5:32 pm

    Maybe I'll throw in a cocktail while running the 5k, huh? Huh!? Yes.

  7. 01/02/2013 / 5:33 pm

    Inspiration-shminspiration. Just felt like writing that. You're sweet- and safe but stagnant is a good way to put it.

  8. 01/02/2013 / 5:38 pm

    You're right! Maybe my fears are totally misplaced. Now. It seems like you may have a weird date to work through, so if you want me to send you a hi-res photo of the penguin to bring to a therapist, say the word.

  9. 01/02/2013 / 5:39 pm

    HA! I got quoted. I totally just got quoted. Awesome.

  10. 01/02/2013 / 5:40 pm

    Yes, we should face our fears- isn't it so exhausting though? I'd rather sit here and eat a cookie and ignore everything.

  11. 01/02/2013 / 11:04 pm

    You should sign up for Toastmasters too, to get over your fear of public speaking. It's great (I did it once). You realize that it just takes practice and even if you get up and start babbling mindlessly out of nervousness, it's not the end of the world and, in fact, no one cares. Toastmasters is a really supportive environment to practice public speaking. A friend dragged me to a meeting once.

  12. 01/04/2013 / 7:25 am

    Oh my goodness. I think I actually will look into Toastmasters. I feel like I'm right on the edge of being okay with it, and I need practice. How cool!

  13. 02/01/2013 / 11:25 pm

    Could I admire you any more? Yes, I guess I can. Breaking the mold is amazing and brave. One step at a time. I'm in awe of you. Routine or not.

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