Hello, fellows. I am here with a Lifewhack that practically wrote itself as I shimmied my way through vacation last month. We drove to Western NY, and 11 hours in the car gives you some magic time:
1. Your kids become narcoleptic or watch movies or play Power Rangers who like to fly through the car’s atmosphere.
2. You don’t feel guilty about not cleaning your house because you’re rapidly moving away from it.
3. You are immune to junk food and may consume as much as is humanly possible.
Instead of enjoying myself, I decided to selflessly compile some tips so that all of you may enjoy yourselves on your next road trip.
1. In preparation for your journey, make a fabulously eclectic mix of music on your iPod or Spotify (This is what the cool kids are using). Follow a hooty aria with an old Fugazi favorite, followed by some Pat Boone, followed by Polka, followed by Acid Jazz. Laugh and laugh when you see everyone’s eyes twitching uncontrollably. That’s classic.
2. At least once on the trip, declare that you’re going the wrong way, pull off at an exit, and drive all over weird back roads, completely panicky, then get back on the highway and continue on.
3. When someone else is driving, it’s important to keep them awake. Dig into your arsenal of funny little pranks, I mean MY arsenal, you arsehole! From time to time, shift around in your seat all pee pee-dancy, and when asked if you’d like to make a stop, decline reassuringly. Repeat every 5-7 minutes for an hour and then sigh dramatically and agree to stopping at the next exit.
4. You may notice you tend to see some of the same people at different rest stops. This is called synchro-travel (by me), and is a phenomenal phenomenon. Do you feel a kinship to these people? Because I always do. March on up and introduce yourself. Insist that a stranger snaps a photo of all of you together. You cannot deny the profound manner in which you are connected forevermore.
5. A good lunchtime trick is to order 2 beers right when you sit down, thus ensuring you won’t have to drive any more. Savor that afternoon nap- you’ve earned it.
6. It’s so exciting on a road trip when you spy a horse or cow, or- better yet- a wild deer by the side of the road. This is your cue to shriek like a motherfucker and pound on your window.
7. Being in the car for long periods of time with other people is the perfect time to get the chorus to a catchy pop song stuck in your head. And everybody knows that you can’t keep that shit silent. Here, let me help you with some suggestions: Call Me Maybe, Somebody that I Used to Know, Halo (This one is great because you can really practice your range or whatever it’s called. In any event, channel your inner Beyonce.)
8. It’s hilarious to everyone when you’re driving if you keep pretending to nod off. Throw in a few swerves and then flail your arms around in the air like you’re falling off of a high cliff. This makes no sense but adds to the comedic effect.
9. Approximately ten minutes before you think it might be your turn to drive, eat a bunch of whatever makes you the most gassy. Why? Because when you drive, you have ultimate control of the window master lock. Boom. So fun!