Hey, y’all. I’m feeling all mushy today, so you’re going to have to suffer through a bunch of introspection from me now. Stop reading. I’m warning you. Okay, too late. let’s get into it.
I’m in the best mood ever today. I know half of it is because of the exercise-induced endorphins cha-chaing around my brain, but I’m also feeling absolutely grateful today. And do you know who puts that word in my head much more than I would normally think about it?
Katy from I Want a Dumpster Baby. And I know she resonates with a ton of people; she’s a damn gem, she is. And she’s smart and hilarious and insightful and incredibly infectious. I read her posts and I can’t feel sorry for myself any more. I am reminded about just how well I have it.
It’s funny because I think Katy and my lovely husband Christian have so much in common, and sometimes (many times) I read her posts and assume that is how Christian feels, too. Sounds weird, I know, but here’s why: They have both managed to get and stay sober. And they both rely on their inner strength and meditating on the people in their lives whom they love. They both focus on how lucky they are to be alive, to have gotten sober, and to have not gone down the slippery bitter path after overcoming a lot of badness.
I’ll just segue into my family now. This strength in Christian that I witness every day, and I know it doesn’t always come easy for him, is what keeps me hopeful and positive and brave.
We’ve been through hell as a couple. Not couple-wise, but situationally. From losing a baby half way through our first pregnancy, to losing both of our jobs and our house, to child-support issues, to Christian succumbing to alcohol and then deciding to quit it, to me fumbling along trying to figure out my career plans. We’re still struggling; sometimes it feels like that’s just our reality. I know it won’t always be, but it gets hard to just keep holding your breath and crossing your fingers and trying to hang in there until the economy changes.
Now here’s where it gets mushy. I never would have thought in a million years that I could become so fundamentally attached to someone. My dating track record was not good before I met Christian- I tended to float through 3-6 month loneliness-induced “relationships”.
In the almost 11 years we’ve been married, I have fallen more madly in love with him. I get so excited to see him when he comes home from work, we disgust the kids with our flirting that we think is veiled, but isn’t and really is nauseating. We make each other laugh. Like belly laugh snort guffaws. We encourage each others’ pursuits. Actively. We are excited by what the other person does.
It feels weird, all of this. And honestly, it’s scary sometimes to be this dependent on someone. I feel like I’ve given up so much of my self-sufficiency that I hid behind for a really long time. I’m vulnerable. And having kids makes me even more vulnerable- there’s more to love and be loved by. There are little beings who rely on me. (Me!) Holy shit, that’s heady stuff.
So today I choose to be grateful, and I think I will revel in it for a while. I am grateful for my super magical prize of a husband, I am grateful for my incredibly wonderful children, and I am grateful for Katy, who helps me to remember all of these good feelings on a regular basis.