One-Day Detox Fail: A Story of 2 Weak Adults

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I have a story for you. I’m always interested in finding out easy ways to eat more healthily, tips for incorporating healthy foods into my family’s diet, etc, but I’m the first to admit that we have only a so-so family diet.

One reason is that I hate making dinner. Another reason is that bagels and chocolate are so delightful and I love those bursts of dopamine. A third reason is that my kids are always on my ass about buying snacks and sugary treats and all the other fabulous edible non-foods that rev kids up into the fun beasts that they are.

A week or so ago I came across a plan for a one-day detox from Detox DIY that looked doable. I refuse to fast and I have no interest in doing a dramatic cleanse, but I figured even I could handle one day of eating a really paired-down diet of superfoods.

Christian said he was on board, too, so we decided on yesterday. Sunday. The day when it is fun to grill and go out to lunch with your family and sit around doing nothing except thinking about grilling and going out to lunch with your family.

I woke up at 6:15 ish, my normal wakey uppy time, and drank the 2 cups of water with half a lemon squeezed in. I usually like lemon water, but this was much more lemony than I’m used to. I got to like it by the end, and by god I could nearly feel my bile whizzing happily through my bile tunnels, cleaning everything in its wake.

Then it was time to exercise, so I ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes and took a shower. In case you were wondering, yes, I did exfoliate my face. You were wondering that, I know it.

Christian choked down his lemon water and hopped on the old treadmill for a bit, and then we decided we should eat breakfast. Breakfast consisted of a few berries in a shit-ton of almond milk with a shit-ton of chia, hemp, and flax seeds.

It was good, and I’d eat that for a regular breakfast with more berries and less milk and seeds. I had no idea how amazing hemp seeds were for you! Those little powerhouses are healthy AND the rest of their plant can get you completely baked out of your mind? Amazing.

Something unsettling happened next. I think neither of us knew what to do with ourselves, so we sort of shuffled around, half-heartedly picking things up or working on menial tasks. There was an unspoken feeling that something dramatic should be happening, like we were waiting to see some immediate change in our health.

We both felt super-tired having consumed zero caffeine that morning, so we took naps at noon. I think we were subconsciously trying to kill time until lunch.

Lunch was steamed kale and swiss chard with some curried chick peas, herbs, a lemon olive oil drizzle and sesame seeds. We both thought it was tasty- I’d definitely whip that up again for a light, healthy lunch.

That’s when I started to feel glowy and 20 years younger. My tube top and booty jorts were screaming my name, but instead I shuffled outside to watch Beckett throw himself around the back yard. That’s when Christian came out and we began discussing the pros and cons of ordering a pizza for dinner.

I think you probably know how the rest of the night progressed, and oh my gods that wine tasted good with the pizza. Besides, we couldn’t watch the season finale of Game of Thrones with growly bellies full of zucchini strings (part of what dinner was supposed to be and what we are having tonight mixed with noodles and tomato sauce.)

Problems: We made the entire day about the detox, and focused our entire attention on it. It would be better to do this on a busy work day when you can’t allow yourself to sit around obsessing about not eating that piece of chocolate.

Our neighbors began to grill on their deck 2 houses away as we sat trying to carry on a conversation while visions of meaty things danced in our heads.

Take aways: I’ll keep drinking lemon water because of all the amazing benefits involved. In fact, I just put this lemon squeezer in my cart. I also just learned that the best way to squeeze lemons is to cut them in half, slice off a piece of each end until you see a little bit of lemon innards, then squeeze with the rounded edge of the squeezer pushing down on that end.


Cool lemon squeezing trick

I’ll eat these recipes again, and try more like them, but I will incorporate them into a normal day. I can’t believe how powerful that feeling of depravation can be in just 1 short day of cutting out the foods you are used to, including the all-powerful sugar and caffeine monsters.

If you want to try the one-day detox, I found it on Detox DIY, and I opted for the detox and the weekly recipes from them. So far I’m enjoying her emails, and I’ve found some recipes on her site I want to try.

Your turn! Have you fasted/detoxed/radically altered your diet? Seen any benefits?


  1. peggy
    06/27/2016 / 3:34 pm

    You had me at ‘healthily’ (most English speakers avoid correct usage of adverbs), then lost me as I read on through. Now I want pizza. For some reason the Seiss chard/kale mixture scared me. I eat them separately; together gives me a little icky yucky feeling. Better luck next time… and I know there will be a next time!

    • peggy
      06/27/2016 / 3:36 pm

      *should say Swiss chard.

    • 06/27/2016 / 9:59 pm

      You are awesome. I try so hard to speak/write correctly, just because I geek out on that stuff, but I know I make mistakes here and there and get so stressed that someone will correct me but also secretly enjoy it because I know they love the language too, and is this a run-on sentence? The swiss chard/kale combo was sorta yummy. There may/may not be a next time, but I feel like I set a good precedent for at least a few healthy choices. Did you order a pizza???

      • peggy
        06/28/2016 / 12:07 pm

        Didn’t get pizza, as I have a surgery date tomorrow morning. I’ll wait for a couple of weeks, then decide between pizza and futo maki sushi from Ray Yamamoto at Oto’s Market here in Sacramento. I have a feeling it will be the sushi!

        As for the grammatically correct usage of the “ly” words… I am suitably impressed, as my mom was a life-long English teacher. It was a pleasure to be correct, which makes me a snob in some peoples’ eyes. I get upset when I make a mistake, and go to great pains to go back and correct it, or delete it rather than having my error out there in public for everyone to see! My son also has the disease, so we’re basically screwed in today’s society.

        • 06/28/2016 / 8:36 pm

          I think it’s a good disease to have- my husband and I fly into silent rages whenever people use I/me incorrectly, as in, “Why don;t you come eat sushi with Peggy and I tomorrow?” MMMMMMM. In any event, hope it’s not a big crazy surgery and I’m sending healing to you. XOXO

          • peggy
            06/28/2016 / 10:01 pm

            Not really major major–had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction 3 years ago. One of the saline implants has become a Flat Stella (as in Flat Stanley). Having a replacement shoved in tomorrow, but first the old one has to be pulled out.

            Not sure if I would go have pizza OR sushi with the person who said, “…with Peggy and I.”

          • 06/29/2016 / 12:40 pm

            Well make sure you get lots of rest and speedy healing!

    • 06/28/2016 / 8:37 pm

      beer and pizza and now I fear we’ve added M&M’s to our detox. COME ON OVER.

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