‘Twas Two Days After Christmas

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‘Twas 2 days after Christmas, and paper was strewn

with gleeful abandon through the living room.

I sat with my teacup and gazed through the steam

at the spot outside, where Santa’d stood with his team.

You see, I had met him, that jolly old elf

and I screamed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

He had landed his sleigh right in front of our house

and scared the fuck out of me and my spouse.

We threw open the door and made a mad dash,

down the front stairs we ran in a flash.

It was Christmas Eve night, and we saw with our eyes

St. Nick had just flown right down from the skies.

I realized I hadn’t remembered my shoes,

as my feet sunk deeper in warm reindeer poos.

We both peered up at the man with the beard

And I’ll admit it, we felt a bit skeered.

What do you say to a legend like that?

All puffy white beard and red Christmas hat.

So I didn’t say a thing to Santa that day,

I turned like a jerk and ran right away.

I slid through the deer poo and let out a squeal,

my terrified husband right on my heel.

What happened next was merely a blur,

as presents went flying and I choked on some fur.

I flew through the air in a spastic flip,

kicking an elf and busting his lip.

His eyes they grew wide as he tasted the blood,

so he punched his elf friend, who dropped with a thud.

The brawl that ensued was lively and merry!

My droll little mouth was all vulgar and sweary.

As I watched the elves fight in the swirling snow,

their pent-up elf anger coming out with each blow.

All at once I felt funny, and started to sweat.

I realized that I would be filled with regret,

if I allowed it to go down like this,

the elves would be dead; there’d be no Christmas.

I hollered out at the top of my voice,

This just isn’t right! You’ve made a bad choice! 

This season is fleeting, it just doesn’t last.

Christmas comes once a year and it’s over so fast!

Santa scooped up the elves, their mouths all agape,

piled them into his sleigh to make his escape.

And I heard him exclaim ‘ere he drove out of sight,

That’s what she said! And to all a good night!



  1. 12/28/2012 / 4:13 am

    Cute! And ew. Reindeer poo. EWWW.

  2. 12/28/2012 / 4:45 am

    What a gross and festive poem. Does elf blood taste like peppermint? I read that somewhere, I think.

  3. 12/28/2012 / 1:08 pm

    Oh my gosh, SO FUNNY!!!

    You've got some talent there. 🙂

  4. 12/28/2012 / 4:53 pm

    this is the cutest christmas poem i've read in a while.

  5. 12/29/2012 / 3:51 am

    So funny! You have the gift of rhyming! Perhaps a rapping career will be next for you! Yes, I want to hear this poem as a rap version!

  6. 12/30/2012 / 11:08 am

    Loved it, had t read it out loud to Patrick!

  7. 12/30/2012 / 12:15 pm

    Don't even try to tell me you don't know what elf blood tastes like.

  8. 12/30/2012 / 12:21 pm

    Aw, thanks. It was fun to write- I can handle trying to write a poem about 2 times a year.

  9. 12/30/2012 / 12:22 pm

    Yes! I knew I should pursue rapping- just waiting around for someone else to confirm it.

  10. 02/01/2013 / 11:21 pm

    Shit. I wish I woulda read this when I was supposed to. Happy Christmas! You write some damn good poetry and song, woman.

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