What I Would Make on a Cooking Show

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I’m no foodie. One of the first things I like to tell people when I meet them is that I like my steaks cooked well done. Like ALL BROWN, everywhere. That way, they can make a quick decision about whether or not they wish to enjoy my company further. (Either because of this terrible character flaw, or because of my burning need to tell them this piece of information.)

If I had access to a private chef, I’d order it to make healthy, mostly vegetarian meals for my family, consisting of a steady rotation of ethnically-inspired concoctions. Alas, since it’s just me rustling up the grub, we eat a lot of “soups” and pasta “recipes”. I enjoy stifling giggles when my family has to eat that shit, because they just can’t take another night of cereal. I also enjoy the look of shock on all of our faces when something I make accidentally tastes like food.

Anyway, with my lack of cooking skills comes zero interest in cooking shows. With zero interest in certain shows comes a horrifically expensive cable lineup that inexplicably offers up very little to watch. Meaning, sometimes, one is forced to watch 5 minutes of a cooking show before one gives up, switches off the TV in a huff and settles into reading a book.

One time, I wondered what I would choose to make if I suddenly got my own cooking show. Here is my list:

• A boiled whole turkey
• Ice cubes
• Fruit pleather
• This, obviously:


•Peanut butter spoon dipped in chocolate chips
• Seared Spam with a wine reduction. Recipe below*
• Blue milk (or turquoise- I haven’t decided yet.)
• Microwaved whipped egg with artful Sriracha splatter
• Cute little lamb loins from animals that I will slaughter in a pre-show sacrificial ceremony to warm up the audience
• Double chocolate cookies with mayonnaise compote – oh! And sea salt!
• Butter noodles with salt and pepper (My signature dish)
• Ramen with raisins, radicchio, relish, ranch, roasted radishes, and rancid ricotta.
• Beer Milkshake (name that book)
*Pour 1 cup of expensive, full-bodied red wine into a medium saucepan. Reduce it by drinking half of it. Pour it liberally over “meat”.


  1. 04/12/2015 / 8:25 am

    Ha! Line me up a beer milkshake with a side of ice cubes (well done please).

  2. 04/12/2015 / 10:13 am

    Your show would be a hit! I’ll take the peanut butter spoon dipped in chocolate. That sounds really good!

    • 04/13/2015 / 9:21 pm

      See?I might not be fancy, but I know what tastes delightful. P.S. I use giant soup spoons, just so you know.

  3. 04/13/2015 / 9:06 pm

    PB dipped in chocolate chips – been there done that! I also frequently make the wine reduction sauce… But I never seem to have enough sauce left for the meat.

    • 04/13/2015 / 9:23 pm

      It’s so hard to make sure you have enough wine for the meat. I mean, it just feels wasteful to use it on the meat. Stupid meat.

      • Laurie
        04/14/2015 / 10:09 am

        So with you on the peanut butter chocolate chip thing! Adore your site. Am teaching art to k-8, and your site is not only entertaining( as in I LOL), but extremely helpful when I’m a quart low on ideas. Thanks a bunch! Laurie

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