What Not to Wear, For Kids

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Since I’m not a big volunteer-er at my kid’s school, I was trying to think of other ways to help out. You know, to ease some of the workload for the teachers and staff. Well, this morning, as I walked F to school (and managed to politely listen to her tell me last night’s dream for, like, 10 whole minutes without falling into a dead heap of death), my mind wandered, and as I watched the other children milling about, it struck me. Hard. Many of these children are just walking tragedies.

I mean, really, ugly dolls clipped all over your backpack was “acceptable” maybe 2 years ago. And all of the Hannah Montana accessories caused my face muscles to convulse in horrific spasms. I continued to look around, my head whipping to and fro, frantically searching for some sort of haven on which to rest my weary eyes. “Surely”, thought I, “these kids can’t be that fashion-frozen”. Then I spied a girl with a smart little trench, skinny jeans, and flats, and I was able to breathe for a moment…. until, Egads! I realized It was simply a lilliputian babysitter, most likely imported from the city.

My mission became so beautifully clear. Save these poor wretched children! I immediately pulled out my camera and began to madly photograph each and every child. The K-5 set is horribly overlooked and it’s up to me to make a dramatic change in this conservative western suburb of Chicago.

As I adjusted my newborn’s ascot, I mentally organized my fashion do’s and don’ts column for the school newsletter in my head, and I’m simply giddy with anticipation. I can’t wait to see some of those god-awful Crocs morph into mini leather wedge pull-ons, and one can only dream that any article of clothing sporting an image of a Disney princess will be swiftly replaced by a cashmere cardi (classic!) and a structured jacket. (p.s: 5th grader with the long brown wavy hair who lives near school, you’re not fooling anyone with those fake Uggs.)

I’m soooo excited about parent teacher conferences, because next I’m planning to be the Skincare-Secret-Santa for the kids, stuffing their little cubbies and lockers with Glycolic peels, peptide-packed serums and loads of cover up!



  1. Katie
    11/09/2009 / 5:46 pm

    Um…. was this part about me: "5th grader with the long brown wavy hair who lives near school, you're not fooling anyone with those fake Uggs." ?

  2. betsey
    11/09/2009 / 6:10 pm

    I have fake Uggs, so suck it!

  3. Jeanette
    11/10/2009 / 4:05 am

    Well, truth be told, I'm not even cool enough for fake Uggs. Plus, my kid wears floods and crooked haircuts.

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