It’s time for us all to roll on the floor laughing our respective asses off. I can’t believe how happy Twitter makes me on a daily basis, and here are some gems of hilarious tweets that I have found so that you can leave all your woes behind for a few minutes.
It’s me your dream girl eating a full meal at the stoplight
— a wandering ghost (@pale_teen) February 18, 2015
[lies on a tanning bed wearing a onesie] Aw hell yeah — Jazmasta (@jazmasta) January 17, 2015
it’s going to be weird when beards become unpopular and Portland just becomes a sea of soft chins.
— Amber. (@McNorfin) January 16, 2015
Fun fact: You can say “sorry for your floss” 31 times at a dentist’s funeral before someone punches you. — Jazmasta (@jazmasta) February 19, 2015
1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) February 10, 2015
Life Hack: You can put a fully-cooked ham in a stroller and go to the park. Nobody can stop you from having a nice day with your ham baby. — Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) February 11, 2015
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) August 22, 2014
triscuits are what i imagine the inside of a scarecrow tastes like — ali garfinkel (@aligarchy) January 15, 2015
Holy shit, my neighbor’s wind chimes are KILLING IT today.
— R.M. Weiner (@rmfnord) February 16, 2015
Your IQ test came back negative. — Mr. Unzipped Fly (@ImaFlyontheWall) January 17, 2014
I’d probably say yes to anyone who proposed in a helium voice.
— Samtastic (@SufficientCharm) February 16, 2015