Okay, now. We’re in the home stretch of sick season. That time of year when we feel safe to call into work sick with a “stomach bug” so we can create our own 3-day weekend to watch reruns of House.
I’m here to say: don’t let down your guard. Spring sickness can happen to you, too, because you’re not all that. Well, maybe you are, but you can still get sick. Unless you follow the simple directions outlined in today’s:
Germs are obvi the enemy. Frequent hand washing can go a long way to prevent germs from causing you 2 weeks of velvety phlegm, but there are additional measures you can take to guarantee your spot in the healthy hall of fame.
- Full-strength bleach everywhere. Fill your toilets, wash your dishes with bleach, use as a mouthwash, and swab your nose out with it thrice daily.
- Latex gloves in layers. Peel back a new layer every time you touch a foreign surface. This means you’ll need to put on approximately 45 or more layers of gloves each morning, including an initial thick layer of petroleum jelly over your hands to seal in your freshly bleached skin. Try to adapt your movements so you can utilize your elbows and head to move items.
- Under no circumstance may you use a public restroom. They are the work of the devil. In fact, I condone suiting up in your Hazmat suit armed with your bleach spray to help other poor souls who may not be as health-conscious as you are.
- Grocery shopping is a tricky business. Prepare your shopping cart with a thorough wiping down with a container of sanitizing wipes, followed by a liberal splash of 99% alcohol (found in the pharmacy section.) And remember to use your elbows to pluck items from the shelves.
- Set up a sneeze jar in your home, whereby any offender will contribute $5 per sneeze to the jar. (Just make sure they don’t actually touch the jar with their disgusting hands.) Don’t forget to spray the air with a mixture of bleach and alcohol and Febreze afterwards.
Here is a smoothie recipe that will stave off all illnesses. mix 1 wad of ginger with 3 sprigs of lavendar, 6 bags of green tea leaves, 14 oranges, a broccoli floret, 3 heads of garlic, and 1 cup of bleach, along with 8 ice cubes in your blender. “Enjoy“.
- Coffee filter masks are much more fashionable than conventional dust masks, and you can tie them around your head with pretty ribbons or macrame your own ties.
- Wrap your kids in plastic wrap when stepping out. Those poor little devils pick up everything flying around in the dirty, contaminated, begrimed, fouled-up air, so wrap it around and wrap it tight. Also, just don’t get anywhere near your kids at home. They’re denizens of sickness even before that first glistening drip appears under their nostril.
I’m a big fan of just not going anywhere. You know what they say: An ounce of Agoraphobia is worth a pound of something super like health and cleanliness or something.