Target is my life. I probably pay upwards of $40,000 extra a year since I go to Target 3 times a week for all of my groceries instead of a grocery store, but grocery stores are so low class.
I know every Target around here like the back of my hand, and I need them to hire me as a secret shopper to keep tabs on what’s going on up in each store, since I’m all personally invested and all.
Obviously I’m going to learn you all in the fine art of Targeting now, because you are most likely only working it to 1/5 of your potential when you wander their hallowed halls.
- Your shopping cart is your calling card. The minute you step foot in Target and grab a cart, wipe the bad juju off of the handles with their complementary wipes, then get to decorating. Normally, if you open packages of glitter and googly eyes and chenille sticks and tissue paper in the craft aisle and start using them, this would be grounds for a good scolding, but if you are using these items to decorate your cart, you are golden. Try weaving streamers in and out of all the holes in the cart.
- First head for the spray paint aisle. You will be utilizing this material in a later step. Choose 3-4 pleasant colors.
- You probably aren’t quite ready to get down to serious shopping yet, so you’re going to warm up with some ice breaking activities. Pick someone out to shadow for a while and make polite conversation about everything they put in their cart. Instant BFF.
- Next up, hit the liquor aisle. Select a cold beer and deliver it straight to the changing room lady. She’s having a shitty morning, based on the fact that she’s a changing room lady, so she deserves to kick back for a minute.
- Take a cue from kids everywhere and hide on the shelf behind the paper towels. It will probably take some trial and error to figure out whether whispering at people as the walk by, or merely pushing out a pack is more terrifying. Enjoy the experiment.
- Feel free to shop a little now- you are probably needing to stock up on some items, so as you move about the aisles, focus on gently tapping your cart into other peoples’ carts. Do this really slowly. Total slo-mo action. Bonus points for throwing in a low and whispery n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o as you do it.
- After dropping off a large bottle of Nyquil and some Sun Chips to the dressing room lady, change into a pair of khakis and a red shirt. Grab a walkie talkie from electronics and stand at the checkout lanes. Power is yours. Frantically call for immediate backup every time someone walks by.
- Keep your disguise on as you walk around the store pointing out to guests what they might be in need of. “You look like you could use some Cheetos, for god’s sake. Let’s get you some mother-effing Cheetos.”. If you say it really sweetly, people will adore you.
- Head on back to the stock room. Haven’t you ALWAYS wanted to visit that mysterious den of delights? After hitting on a stock boy, you’ll realize how sweltering and depressing it is back there, so get out, stat.
- Moving on to the self checkout, and you’re buying yourself another hour at least in Target. You’ve not only got tiny, shopliftable gum and mints there, but also all the free Target plastic bags you could ever hope for. You have a personal assistant every time you scan something accidentally 8 times and you need some voids to be performed, you have a camera trained on you at ALL TIMES for practicing for your vlog, and you also have the power to see just how quickly you can tap in the numbers to produce items. So fun!
- As we wind down our Target adventure and head out to the car, don’t forget the spray paint we purchased from tip #2. Pull out those pleasant colors and decorate the big red balls out front! Let all of your creative inspiration from your Target trip come pouring on out as you explore the feelings you’ve unleashed from a trip to your favorite retail outlet that hasn’t been quashed by Amazon yet.