It’s the dinner party time of year! But not for us because we don’t really “socialize”! But maybe you do and you’re totally socially awkward and need my expert guidance in the matter, which I will happily share.
Show up to the house 2 weeks before the dinner, ring the doorbell and announce that you were just doing a dry run to make sure you knew how to get there.
Show up a week before the dinner claiming to have thought tonight was the night. Send an apology bouquet of roses the next day.
Show up an hour before the dinner announcing that you’re there to help. First off, visit each bathroom and fold the toilet paper ends into little sailboat shapes. Next, rearrange the furniture in the living room as they obviously haven’t gotten to that task yet. Finally, pour yourself a glass of vino and lavish praise on the hostess for her stunning home. Bombard her with questions about her home as she finishes up food preparations.
Wear an ’80’s prom dress that’s slightly too small for you. Don’t forget the giant wrist carnation corsage. If the thrift stores are fresh out of prom, my next favorite outfit is a long black lace dress with a high neck and face veil. It will forever mark you as the alluring, mysterious guest.
When you arrive, present the host and hostess with about 8 lavish gifts, one after the next, each wrapped to the nines. It will be deliciously awkward as they unwrap each one.
Drop your fork on the floor, and when you come up from retrieving it, slam the fuck out of your head on the table.
Insist on saying grace before dinner. You must conjure up your best and most dramatic inner Shakespearean stage actor for this one:
HAIL to thee, Amun-Ra, Lord of the thrones of the earth, the oldest existence, ancient of heaven, support of all things;
Chief of the gods, lord of truth; father of the gods, maker of men and beasts and herbs; maker of all things above and below;
Deliverer of the sufferer and oppressed, judging the poor;
Lord of wisdom, lord of mercy; most loving, opener of every eye, source of joy, in whose goodness the gods rejoice, thou whose name is hidden.
Thou art the one, maker of all that is, the one; the only one; maker of gods and men; giving food to all.
Hail to thee, thou one with many heads; sleepless when all others sleep, adoration to thee.
Hail to thee from all creatures from every land, from the height of heaven, from the depth of the sea.
The spirits thou hast made extol thee, saying, welcome to thee, father of the fathers of the gods; we worship thy spirit which is in us.
Make sure every time you take a bite of rice you have the opportunity to spew some of it out by spit-laughing.
If hour hosts have children present, throw them food scraps once in a while and yell GOOD PUPPY
Photograph everyone’s dinners all throughout the meal and post them to Instagram. Tag each person present for each photo. Ah, memories.
Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes and make sure there is always a tiny bit of white powder under your nose when you return.
During dinner see how many times you can make everyone wince by scraping the shit out of your fork and knife on your plate.
Take it upon yourself to keep each guest’s wine glass full. I mean full up to the rim; they’ll secretly love all that extra wine, and it’s a myth that people don’t like to mix red and white wine in the same glass.
Immediately following dinner, begin a string of loud, dramatic yawns where you stretch your arms up top the sky and end with a quick head shake and a “woah!”
Don’t let this fun party end! After the other guests have left, engage the hosts by asking them lots and lots of questions about themselves. People just adore talking about themselves, as you may have heard.
Remember another present you forgot to give them! It’s an expensive aperitif, and surely they’ll want to toast your growing friendship.
By now it’s totally late-thirty, so use this opportunity to fall asleep on the couch when your hosts call each other into the kitchen to discuss what to do with you. You, my friend, just scored a sleepover and friends for life.