How to get Your Neighbors to Move Away
Note: This blog post is a piece of parody. I am not encouraging or condoning any of this behavior in real life. I am closing the comments as it seems people are taking this seriously and getting upset about other peoples’ comments, and I really don’t want to be starting a whole bunch of neighbor wars.
Neighbors suck, right? I’ve begun a list of actions you can implement to help you become neighbor-free in as little as 30 days. Depending on how aggressively you adopt these suggestions, you will be nude sunbathing in no time.
1. Create cryptic messages and drawings on your windows that face their house. Think scenes of bunny sacrifice and quotes from The Notebook.
2. Bust outside every time you see them come home, just to chat for a while. Chatty chatty chat chat chat.
3. Hover over them when they are gardening, offering up advice about what you like and don’t like out there. Then when they are asleep you can just go right ahead and move their plants around to your liking.
4. Laser pens. Use your imagination.
5. Strange ‘cooking’ ‘smells’ wafted in their ‘direction’ with a super ‘industrial’ ‘fan’.
6. Set up a little network of buckets and boxes in your back yard for your wild animal friends. They will need cozy beds, lots of food and water, and easy access to your neighbors’ yard- perhaps through a small hole cut open in their privacy fence?
7. Place your kids’ swing set as close as possible to their back deck. Cause we all know that when kids swing, they sing.
8. Drain their pool surreptitiously one night so they dive in the next day and get a huge cartoon lump with stars flying around it. HA! Too funny.
Photo by elizabeth lies
9. Teach your many little dogs to bark at your neighbors whenever they are outside.
10. Pee every 4′ along the fence that separates you, to mark your territory, of course.
11. 7am lawn mowings, baby.
12. Painting your house bright-ass pink will go a long way to ensure that maybe all of your neighbors will move away.
13. Get yourself a new baby and a drum set at the same time for loud times aplenty.
14. Install a dozen fake security cameras around the outside of your house, all pointing at your neighbor’s house.
15. Get your kids to blow dandelion puffs into your neighbor’s grass. Then sign your neighbor up with several landscaping services to come out and give free estimates on lawn care.
Above all, be creative and have fun. And let me know what sorts of neat things you’ve done, or would like to do, to your neighbors.
Have you ever wanted to be the person who names suburban neighborhoods and streets? Me too. Here are some of my ideas.
Like this post? Check out my other very important Life Lesson posts here.
All we had to do to get rid of our neighbors was go on vacation. Went on a 3 week camping trip…came back and neighbor 1 died. Went on a 2 week beach vacation..came back and neighbor 2 died. We've had no neighbors for a year and finally someone moved into one of the houses. We now have a neighbor with 8 kids, one of which is pregnant and they constantly seem to have cousins staying with them. I'm almost afraid to go on our camping trip this summer.
I need to go on this camping trip!! lol
Me too. Lol!
Mee too
I have a home this is next food that have lost of water that is coming in my house
Me also
Neighbors have 8 dogs barking day and night. There was a “shooting” inside their home. One of them crashed my daughter’s while parked. They play loud ethnic music 9am thru eve in their porch. They approach us WITHOUT FACE MASK. The guy always comes to ask for $20 bucks, never pays us back. They created a leak in my basement by leaving their hose water run for days… their yard looks like a trash dumpster, they have fire hazards on their deck. The guy keeps bragging to my husband as to the “great deals ” he finds while cleaning homes… they dump “crab water” on their back lawn, our back porch reeks of their fishy waste water. Strange folks literally “live” inside one of their unregistered dead cars parked outback. There’s always fishy dudes in and out of their home… I can keep on going… they are fishy unsavory folks. I’m trying to move out…
Sprinkle sea salt in their territory or comfort zone you may need to do it a few times help get rid of roommates too (Sea Salt cost $2.00) you dont have to say any thing just sprinkle it in their comfort zone on their car steps driveway plants porch the best place is the edge of the door where they walk in and out
We now have a baseball cap wearing baldy who is an aggressive middle aged moron. Can’t go in his garden without music even though we live in a peaceful area with lovely wildlife and woods. They are always arguing and f’ing and Jeffing at their kids. They have brash friends around for BBQ’s and they all spend the party bragging about what they own. Oh and they took a dislike to us as soon as they moved in on day one completely ignoring us even after we welcomed them to their new home. Very odd people we have today. I’m looking to move away from them. Keep hoping he will have a stroke from all the beer he drinks.
.The person living in the first floor has a ugly habit of shaking her dogs towels almost everday on our shared walkway entrances and never cleans nor sweeps, therefore causes us to bring the unwanted pet hair up to our home. That person thinks she can do anything she wants and can get away with anything because its was her father’s house. Very stingy and arrogant neighbor.
Just bought a tent!0
WOW! If only it were that easy…..
I have neighbors that have used some of these tactics on ME. Hmmmmm… and I'm considering moving. Proof that you are a genius and these all work!
I have a neighbour who’s there all the time. Shadows me around my flat. Flats are mirrored. She bangs constantly. Above all that. She spat in my face. 3 yrs on. I’m still here. Cause I know. What her game is.
You have to report it to the police . It’s a criminal offence to spit on ones face
Tell me more about this 'fan.'
All great suggestions. Strangely, it seems my neighbours have employed these techniques on me already – making heavy use of one you've left out – making threats against your neighbours personal safety. If you can manage that without witnesses, you're homefree. Witnesses and you'll still get new neighbours – on cell block D.
Yeah. My neighbor’s have decided that everything that gets damaged at their house my fault. They have tried threats, bullying, yelling, cursing etc.. They are always trespassing on my property. I called the cops on them because they let grandma park in their yard and drive across my property and out my driveway. They didn’t ask permission they just did it. However, karma paid them back a couple of weeks ago. We had a really bad storm and I don’t know if it was lightening or a tornado but it uprooted one of my trees and plopped it right on their back fence. Crushed it good!. I was at work when it happened. I called my home insurance agent and they told me it was not my problem. Ahhh, the power of Karma!
😂😂
Lucky you! Really hope there is such thing, Karma. Our neighbor constantly sings every day and night until 11pm. Called cops, but they are useless and can’t come out to do anything because of pandemic. One advice from one of the cops was that they can do whatever they want in their property and we can whatever we want, so we bought a speaker and turned on Rock music as loud as we can. Hate to do that because our other neighbors are good and friendly, Just this Bit….. So frustrating…
I have an ex heroin addict moron neighbor who keeps damaging my house. Let’s her kids lean their bikes on it. Uses my house for a backdrop for basketball. On and on. What do I do. She rents. I own mine. Her kids are bad and cops here a lot. What do I do. It’s making me nuts!!!
These are great ideas. Quotes from the Notebook – brilliant!
Seriously I could see some of these as retaliation for 1. my neighbor who had several unsightly tarp covered sheds in his yard and 2. the other neighbors that dump there yard waste in our woods.
15 is my favorite!!! 🙂
We have some pretty crappy neighbors on one side…perhaps I should put some of these to use.
Excellent Tips! We have a terrible neighbor living behind us. He once said that he called the city because of someone's wind chime in the neighborhood and asked for the city to remove it. My husband and I have had many conversations about purchasing the world's largest wind chime.
Get yourself an Ouija Board ask the spirits to possess their house. Go out late at night near the property line with a Ouija Board asked the spirits that you make contact with to scare them away they will notice paranormal activity in their house. You could use Black Salt to spread across their driveway do this when your neighbors aren’t home. If they see you the spell won’t work. This spell won’t harm your neighbors. Theirs a video on youtube on banishing spells using black Salt.
Tried that 2 months ago and the next day I broke my ankle (what the hell). Now he’s worse than ever and threatens to never leave! Help!
Use black salt sprinkle it across your neighbors driveway do this when their not home or late at night when they can’t see you do this. As they drive over the black salt it won’t harm them but give them a sense to find another place to call home. You could cast a voodoo spell on your neighbors.
We have new babies above and below us and I swear they are trying to out us. Imma use the food smells and cat barking suggestions. I love TT!!!
What type of food smells i do collard greens and croquets. I need more ideas. Look me up on facbook message me some ideas please
We have a neighbour across from us day we moved in shes yelling to shut my dogs up. Since then I get the finger if out front, they put up an archery target that if they missed would end up on my property, paint balls on lawn. She stands in front of her fence on her property filming my dogs and house on phone camera. She called dog control on my dogs I called SPCA on her ‘hobby farming adding stock to her 10 acres where shes got no grass for food for stock she has’ so now we are planning on getting 20 – 40 foot containers and line them up on our fence line facing her new house. Prepared to get graffiti artists to pretty up the side that faces her..many hands with middle finger raised in glow in the dark paint. Her house will look out to the containers as shes south of us we have the north facing 10 acres..We have a security camera facing towards her place to get evidence shes baiting my dogs. She even claimed to dog control my dogs were jumping on a fence where she had sheep in lamb…lol there are 3 fences between her place and ours and my German Shepherds could clear those fences easily if they choose..they have never jumped a fence. So extra annoying things are..playing heavy metal really loud all day, invite the local harley club to come for an afternoon and rev the bikes and race up and down road, ride on mower with no muffler at 7am, tuning a V8 and revving it. Happy neighbours…no way.
We had very chatty neighbors at our last house. They once waved us down when we were pulling out of our driveway, late for something, to just chat. I can attest that chatting is highly effective.
We have some neighbors that have passive aggressive signs that no dogs should use their lawn (the part that the dog is legally allowed to use) to "toilet." The sign does its own magic, since what dog can resist peeing on a sign? The grass is totally burnt out there. I love dogs.
See, these only work if you live in a house, but my neighbors all live in the same building as I do. I'm thinking in my case I'd have to do things a little more hands-on, like taking pictures of them while they're in the kitchen and posting them in the bathroom.
Scratching noises, on floor or ceiling or joint wall at very odd hours, but faint enough it can’t be heard from hallway… So if police or landlord is called they won’t hear anything when they do the listen test outside your door… They will assume after they are told nothing is heard it’s pests, your landlord won’t be happy after that call and bill for a sweep… And the rat your bothered by will most likely find a hostile landlord or being pain in ass Tennant with something against the neighbor title enough to drive them to seek new lodging
When your neighbors come home from vacation, send the kids over to play in their yard before they even unlock the front door.
Your pic makes you look psycho. Cool I like it
Based on all of the wildlife living in our backyard, and all of the dandelions sprouting up, I'm now beginning to wonder if someone is trying to get us out of the neighborhood.
We used to have some neighbors with a creepy 7 year old daughter. Our washer and dryer are in our garage and whenever if the garage door was open when I went out, their daughter would always magically appear out of nowhere. I always checked to make sure that I couldn't see her outside anywhere, but there she would be each time I turned around to go back inside. It was creepy because I could never hear her coming and she would never say anything, she just waited there right outside of our garage watching me. So, I started making sure the garage door was closed each time before I went out to do laundry. Eventually she caught me outside and told me that her mom said that I was a bad neighbor. Yeah, right! Their daughter is stalking me in my garage, riding her bike up and down my driveway all the time and peeking in neighbor's windows and I'm the one that's a bad neighbor. Fortunately, they eventually moved. Unfortunately, they still own the house and one of their family members lives there, so we still see them occasionally.
Man I need to try some of these!!
How do I get rid of neighbors with annoying loud kids? They're getting under my skin!
I must try the peeing and 7 am mowing. The new baby with drum kit did not work at all I am afraid!!
This is hilarious! Made me think a little lighter about my loud mouth cussing mean spirited retarded neighbor. Thanks for that.
all these suggestions will just back fire on you and you'll get evicted by the city. GF <3
I have neighbots that deserve to fucking die
They swear at you and fuck up my gardind
I was thinking of doing something to them
That make them sit in a hospital for ever and ever! But then i found this site and thought maby this wil help. Putting camera's to the door en watching them 24/7 haha!!
But if not I'm gonna kill 'm anyway
Many thanks
Buying and hanging hundreds of wind chimes would probably be more effective and easier to find. I would also add, as constantly as possible, burning some artificially sweet smelling incense in an area where it would waft into their range. I’m thinking strawberry or cherry. Tell them you are “freshening the air”. As a final note, loop new age music so it plays 24 hours a day, loud enough to be annoying but not loud enough to be illegal – check your local laws for the allowable decibels. If they say anything, tell them you are adjusting your qi.These should help.
Actually, if my neighbours did this I’d love it! windchimes, incense and new age music is lovely 🙂
I think you either love or hate wind chimes. I get soooo distracted by the sound- it drives me batty!
You would really need to check the City’s By-Laws about music. Ours here is from 7 AM to 11 PM and no longer. Again, if it is all day long, day in and out 7 days a week….not only can you be in trouble with the City but also with the Police.
I only hate the neighbors that live next door to me. I don’t want to make my neighbors suffer. Personally, I plan to get a tarp. fill it with old clothes and make it into the shape of a body and leave it on my drive way. they sell fake blood during halloween or you can buy it at a gag store…….. Or just sprinkle Asafatida. along your own property line so they smell it. smell like poop with curry. they also have ass spray. I HEAR IT SMELLS LIKE 20 OUT HOUSES on the hottest summer day after a crowd at under cooked bad chicken mexican food.
I could list several instances where the family next door to me has displayed unusual behavior. They watch me from their windows and peep into mine. It has become apparent that the wife is mentally unstable and the best thing for me to do is ignore her and her family. This works very well for me.
My bad neighbours live in the appartment below me, on the second floor. No garden, no access to windows….etc. Not helpful
Could always buy one of those things that constantly meows. I’ve heard they last for about 7 straight days. Hide it somewhere on there front porch or under/in their trash can. Doesnt stop until its ripped up and when they RIP it up confetti. Then just hide a new one somewhere else until it drives them insane. Lol
Ha ha those tactics are used on me .makes me think now.because i definitely want to move. i live at bottom apt the stomping and marching could be added to that list.always meet when i leave and when i come home. loud music loud talking.lol.wow i guess the tactics work.iam willing to take a place lesser than what i am in to get away.very smart ideas lmao
I had a problem neighbor a long time ago, all l did was got to know there basic habits around there house by hanging around them, then l anonimesly called them up from a blocked number untell they answered there phone or untell l got voicemail, l then read there street address to them and told them what l thought they were doing in there house during my phone call, they moved out the next day.
OMG I am dying here LOL
To get rid of my grumpy neighbors all I had to do was to sunbath at my patio wearing a bikini.
Oh well, and the wife caught me at 4:00am trying to release an opossum from a trap she placed in their front yard, right next to my yard.
Ok, I do have a big a** American Bully who scared the wife even though we have a 6′ solid wood fence.
Maybe my passion for Iron Maiden had something to do? I just realized they can be kinda loud.
Anyway, I know it was because of the bikini. She smacked the husband one day he was saying hello over the fence.
You guys can be happy that you guys dont have a neighbour like I have. You will go away from your house for sure lol
Fireworks work wonders the yell at me for that even when I’m not lighting them they also don’t like my forge for some reason I think it’s only a matter of time before they move especially after I put in motion sencing flood lights for all the neighborhood cats
I find it interesting that the “tactics” the writer suggests, like placing their kids swingset right next to the fence, GETTING your dogs to bark at them when outside, are the very things that make for an awful neighbor. Better be certain that what they do really is worse than those awful things.
You guys can be happy that you guys dont have a neighbour like I have. You will go away from your house for sure lol
My problem neighbors are both night nurses…..they tag teamed me. I am confident they will be relocating after repeated sleep interruptions throughout the day. You should see the amps I purchased just for them!
What did u mean tag team u ?
My upstairs neighbor follows us around the apartment 24 hours a day 7 days a week. She dont work nor go to school. I work a night. When i get off in the morning she’s standing at her door to hear my door opens than she run. She 25 years old aged out foster child with mental illness. At nigjt if we get up to use to restroom she gets up to. If we throw something in my apartment she runs in her apartment to the direction of the sound. I need advice or help with this situation. Yes i called the state. They not helping me
Very interesting . I am gacing the same thing. A mentally ill and demon possesed neighbor that does those things you mentioned. And its a ghetto hood and i know smells and sounds wont work. But they are moving one way oR another
I had a problem neighbor a long time ago, all l did was got to know there basic habits around there house by hanging around them, then l anonimesly called them up from a blocked number untell they answered there phone or untell l got voicemail, l then read there street address to them and told them what l thought they were doing in there house during my phone call, they moved out the next day.
I got issues with my neighbor who’s renting next door and her 15 year old daughter . They rent a house in East Bank WV. Meredith . Everybody sees her and her daughter out at night wearing sexy clothes buying drugs and selling . They became an issue . The issue gets bigger . The hair saloon she works at in chelyan. The owner let’s her get messed up doing hair and her boyfriend owns a gun . Her daughter makes fun of people . The owner has told everybody Meredith will own the place . Meredith will sit in her window even staring at people and giggling all night . Follow you in her car . She’s nuts .
Hey!!! I think my neighbors are try to get rid of me…. JK Some funny stuffy here. Might try a few except most of these sound like the “bad” neighbor.
The Gong… Craftwhack, you have just become this Vets hero… Gong every hour on the Hour, followed by the time and statement all’s well at top of lungs … “G-O-N-N-N-N-G”, “0 hundred Hours and ALLS WELL!!!”. “G-O-N-N-N-N-G”, “01 hundred Hours and ALLS WELL!!!”. This will be a riot…
Buy yourself a violin…not just a normal violin, a violin with a sound pickup in it…like an electric guitar would have. Don’t even try and try to learn actual notes, just go to town playing the absolute worst squealing noises possible, worse than nails on a chalkboard…and do it a dusk, and when you’re not home, play a bad record that skips, then leave it play …Oh yes, you’ll require an amplifier for quality , and quantity of sound blast.
You can get yourself killed by your neighbour!!!
Here is one. Neighbors down the street have called to police on a family across the street from us. They of course think it is us. As a result, one time, their son threatened to “kick my ass” and then threatened to get his “Sig” (handgun as in Sig Sauer). We sold the house, but at our one open house, they smoked pot at the end of their driveway to discourage buyers.
that makes sense – a lot of these bad neighbors what to fight.
I have the rudest neighbors, one lives directly behind me, and the other besides them. They come out of their house to laugh at me, and although I know better than to even let it bother me, I get furious! I hate them so much, especially since when the ones behind me moved in, Amara and Cole, 20 something’s who think they are the gifts to the world, were greeted by me, and actually ran away. I tried to engage the neighbor next to them, because they have been working on their fence for months, I kid you not, and they ran away. I have a master’s degree, and they make me feel like I have an IQ of 50. Being the pandemic, makes it worse because we are all working from home. Please help me make them move!
Is this in a small town? Maybe gossip got out of control – maybe during this pandemic a rumor started that you have COVID? Seems bizarre that they would all run away like that. Do you notice others getting treated the way you have been? Here are some tips. All are ethical and legal. Unlike most other posts on here I do not advocate illegal activities to get neighbors to move. Get a shirt displaying where you went to college and wear it when they are out and may see it. If they lack formal education, this will likely intimidate them (they act like fools running scared so they are probably on their way to move soon regardless). If you have a backyard, sit out there when the weather is good and read a non fiction book at your leisure – 48 Laws of Power is a good start! This should help you feel better about what you have accomplished. It will also help you to better understand who you are dealing with. If you do work on a computer, bring that outside and set up a temporary pandemic workstation demonstrating that YOU are a professional without saying a word to them. Have conference calls out there if you can. Reading books and doing white collar work can be offensive to small minds and this will scare and intimidate them without you actually doing anything wrong. They are “rejecting” you by acting that way and this has given them a sense of power and control resulting in your feeling like a fool – whats done is done, so take your power back by doing the right things. Your are above them. You have nothing significant in common with them other than they live by you. Accept that in this day and age neighbors are not friends and many do not even know each other, even in nicer communities. This is how the World is so accept it and adapt to it. This may or may not get them to move, but in this day and age I rather have a neighbor that runs away when they see me than one that runs up to me!
My new neighbor in the back of our property dumps his grass clippings over on my other neighbors property its a business property with 20 acres. He just dumps it without asking him permission too do so and he is a Tacoma, WA police officer.
I’m not surprised.
My new neighbor probably knows the business property nextstore to us their a welding machinery business is loud and work night shift during the summer months. They never come over and check their property lines thats probably why my new neighbor throught he could dump his grass clippings over the fence he probably figured know one would say anything about it.
My dogs are in a no leash neighborhood and they were sweet but because they hate my house color gray with coral trim they started kicking my dogs and then finally poisoned them with antifreeze dog food:( my two teen daughters are traumatized! So sad how mean people are … my girls want to move but I’m on the middle of divorce so we are just living on prayer 🙏 at least we had one dachshund that didn’t eat it so we still have one baby left ..
Wow good to see this is going strong in 2020. I have the neighbors from hell, to make matters worse their eldest bought the house next to them and moved in with 7 kids around the same ages from different mothers! No control junk everywhere BBguns killing my wildlife hitting my house my dogs my car,they keep getting dogs that they then tie up in the back or let roam free till they die of neglect or abuse from the kids, trash everywhere, ruts in my front property from their trucks..
I cant even sell my house because of the trashy properties they have next to me. Im about to lose it, and lockdown has meant more of the problems because everyone is home all the time! Send halp plz!
Also i keep hoping disaster will strike so i can get out of here, its that bad.
My neighbors from Omaha, NE have been bullying me and my elderly Mom ever since
we moved in West Omaha in 2007. This neighborhood is a CLICK and they are all working
together to harass us everyday. Our neighbors believed the lying evil old witch neighbor even though they don’t know us and we don’t know them. The old witch tells them to do something mean to us for her and they do it. The neighbors are dumb to listen to this evil old witch. The old witch live with her son and she is not alone. She played Bridge with her bridge players often and
she is very religious. She and her son watched me and my family everyday from morning to night.
They gives us creep. My neighbors stole our things (packages, concrete deer, etc.)& they destroyed our property and they turned everybody against us and so many more things. It is Unbelievable! My neighbors are jealous of me when I do work outside for my elderly Mom and they hate everything I do. I can’t please them. They are evil psychos!
Are you people out of your F#>KING minds. You think this stuff is funny? There is a collection of schmucks out there that are going to actually do some of this criminal behavior. I counted 6 misdemeanors and 4 felonies in your list of “pranks” to get your neighbor to move, most of which will get you arrested; from pestering to felony terrorist threats. Are you people crazy? Take this down, and take it down now… or add that this is just some “fun stuff” that’s OK to think about but DON’T EVER DO IT!!!!”.
Don’t make me have to report this to the Florida Attorney Generals office…. WHAT THE F#<K IS WRONG WITH YOU?