Note: This blog post is a piece of parody. I am not encouraging or condoning any of this behavior in real life. I am closing the comments as it seems people are taking this seriously and getting upset about other peoples’ comments, and I really don’t want to be starting a whole bunch of neighbor wars.
Neighbors suck, right? I’ve begun a list of actions you can implement to help you become neighbor-free in as little as 30 days. Depending on how aggressively you adopt these suggestions, you will be nude sunbathing in no time.
1. Create cryptic messages and drawings on your windows that face their house. Think scenes of bunny sacrifice and quotes from The Notebook.
2. Bust outside every time you see them come home, just to chat for a while. Chatty chatty chat chat chat.
3. Hover over them when they are gardening, offering up advice about what you like and don’t like out there. Then when they are asleep you can just go right ahead and move their plants around to your liking.
4. Laser pens. Use your imagination.
5. Strange ‘cooking’ ‘smells’ wafted in their ‘direction’ with a super ‘industrial’ ‘fan’.
6. Set up a little network of buckets and boxes in your back yard for your wild animal friends. They will need cozy beds, lots of food and water, and easy access to your neighbors’ yard- perhaps through a small hole cut open in their privacy fence?
7. Place your kids’ swing set as close as possible to their back deck. Cause we all know that when kids swing, they sing.
8. Drain their pool surreptitiously one night so they dive in the next day and get a huge cartoon lump with stars flying around it. HA! Too funny.
Photo by elizabeth lies
9. Teach your many little dogs to bark at your neighbors whenever they are outside.
10. Pee every 4′ along the fence that separates you, to mark your territory, of course.
11. 7am lawn mowings, baby.
12. Painting your house bright-ass pink will go a long way to ensure that maybe all of your neighbors will move away.
13. Get yourself a new baby and a drum set at the same time for loud times aplenty.
14. Install a dozen fake security cameras around the outside of your house, all pointing at your neighbor’s house.
15. Get your kids to blow dandelion puffs into your neighbor’s grass. Then sign your neighbor up with several landscaping services to come out and give free estimates on lawn care.
Above all, be creative and have fun. And let me know what sorts of neat things you’ve done, or would like to do, to your neighbors.
Have you ever wanted to be the person who names suburban neighborhoods and streets? Me too. Here are some of my ideas.
Like this post? Check out my other very important Life Lesson posts here.