Today’s Lifewhack will focus on the current events topic of jobs. Some people have ’em, some people don’t. Want one? Then follow my advice closely.
Resumes are tricky business, folks. To embellish the truth or just outright lie? To go with the sparkle paper or the hot pink cardstock. To mail it in a big box with cookies, or via singing telegram. I don’t know. But I do know this. You only have 1/2 a second to grab them, so let’s just focus on your objective line. Anything after that is icing.
After all the nonsense of name and email and phone number, you’ll want your objective line to punch ’em in the nuts and make them beg you to come in for an interview. None of this namby-pamby bullshit. Look at the following 2 examples and tell me which is better:
- To secure a position with a well established organization with a stable environment that will lead to a lasting relationship in the field of finance.
- POW! Finance Freddy seeks major powerhouse with which to cozy up and make beautiful money babies together.
If you chose the second one, you are correct and on your way to gainful employment.
Landing the Interview
When you are inevitably called for your interview, make them work a little. They want you. Reschedule the interview a few times, and ultimately have them wait for at least 15 minutes to start the interview so you can “put out some fires” at your current job. Pace around on your cell phone, pretending to yell orders at people, and you will impress the little pants off of these people.
Deciding What to Wear
I tend to favor ball gowns for interviews. Not only do they lend a flirty, unexpected ‘pop’ to your first impression, they will make you feel invincible. Nobody fucks with pretty princesses.
At the Interview
You’re there. In the hot seat. They will tell you that you are ‘interviewing them’ as well, so take them literally. I like to do this by answering each question with a question. This will reiterate the fact that you are in control by continuing the fun game you began while scheduling your interview.
Them: So, Debbie, why exactly did you leave your last job?
You: Don’t you find that trite? I mean why do any of us leave our jobs? Lack of marriageable men? Boring office gossip? You tell me. Why did I choose to leave my job? NEXT QUESTION? Do you think we should move on to the next question?
Body language says a lot about you and how serious you are about wanting this job. Lean in extremely close to your interviewer, never taking your eyes from theirs. Try not to blink if you can help it. Copy each hand gesture and facial expression of theirs (This is called mirroring and is subconsciously flattering to them.) Better yet, If you have time before the interview, train your eyes so that you can keep one locked on them and one looking around the room. This sort of multi-tasking is favored by many corporations.
Soon the interview will conclude, and you will be left with the awkward question of whether to shake their hand or kiss them goodbye. I say go for a hearty arm slug and a hair ruffle. This highlights your affectionately confident nature. Saunter out with a big wink and you’re as good as hired.
The Job Offer
Soon, most likely the next day, you’ll receive your job offer phone call. Rattle off something in French and hang up. When they call back, laugh uproariously and tell them you’ll see them Monday.
Pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to a giant frozen tofu sundae. You’ve beaten the odds.