Granny’s not getting any younger, and neither are you. Don’t you sometimes wonder if she’s actually proud to call you her grandchild? Maybe she hides your photos away and fabricates exciting details about your life to share with her buddies at the old folks home.
Let’s assuage your guilt at being an embarrassment and make Grandma’s job a little easier. Here are ways to ensure you will be invited to visit her sometime in the future.
1. Send her photo cards for every holiday, and sometimes more often- you want to make sure you are sending more than your siblings. You don’t actually need to go to the trouble or expense of ordering the cards, simply find the example cards on your favorite scrapbooking site and fuzz out the faces a little. Grandma will blame the blurriness on her eyesight.
2. Lavish gifts. You can trick Grandma into thinking you’re successful by sending chocolates, perfumes and baubles to her regularly. She’ll giggle with delight each time she opens another sweet, sweet gift from you.
3. Show her photos from your career. Don’t you remember seeing me on the t.v, Grandma?
4. Allude to the fact that your 14 year old son is a senior at MIT on the fast track toward a career at NASA. Come to think of it, your 11 year old daughter is president. Did Grandma remember that exciting occasion?
5. For the love of Gog, don’t send her undoctored photos of yourself. She doesn’t need to see you pale and normal looking. Give her a little glamor to cling to.
6. When you take your Grandma to lunch at Denny’s, pepper the conversation with mention of Magnum, P.I, raisins, Pond’s cold cream, coral lipstick, doctors, and word jumbles. These are things that all Grandmas love.
7. If Grandma farts audibly, jump up out of your chair abruptly and look around. Or keep explaining to her that it’s just the sound of her brittle old bones rubbing together. She’ll like that.
(If all else fails, just offer to rub her feet each time you visit and you’ll be top grand kid in no time.)