How to Not Waste Your Pregnancy by Just Being Pregnant

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Sometimes you find yourself knocked up, and in between rounds of car-vomiting, you look forward to the next 8 or 9 months (or 15, if you’re a walrus reading this). You ponder the upcoming emotions, Dr. visits, and small animal sacrifices. You wonder when you can start eating entire gallons of ice cream, and if you can get away with registering for things for you instead of the baby.

Honestly, I don’t think pregnanty ladies realize how much leeway they have to be totally batshit crazy for 9 months and get away with it.

Let this post be green light and source of inspiration for you to unleash your pregnant lunacy upon the world.

funny birth announcement

 

Do: Exaggerate your waddle. Start from the first day you find out you are pregnant, and don’t forget to languidly stroke your belly from day one also. Pair this with your best beatific pregnant-lady smile.

Don’t: tell your husband he’s not the baby’s father. That’ll just make him all mopey and annoying.

Do: when people touch your belly without asking, also suggest you show them where the baby is going to come out.

Don’t: stop eating, even for a minute. Since you can’t drink nearly as much as you’re used to, you can indulge in pretty much every freakish food you are craving that is full of bad, bad ingredients.

Do: remember that the world is lucky that you are concocting another little you. Let people know how lucky they are multiple times daily, and that you are planning on doing this at least 16 more times.

Don’t wear maternity clothes. They are a big waste of money you need to be spending on Little Debbie Snack Cakes. Wear your husband’s boxers and your sports bras. It’s all the rage to show that bulgy-outy belly of yours. Plaster it in temporary tattoos to round out the look.

Do keep wearing heels. There’s nothing more unsettling to regular folk than seeing a woman who’s as big as a house and horribly unbalanced, tottering around on Blahniks. But don’t fall, because you won’t be able to get back up.

Don’t enroll in prenatal Yoga. You think Yoga is good at massaging your inner parts and helping you expel gas when you’re not pregnant- try holding in those loud pooty noises when the giant mass inside your body is pressing on all your innards.

Do: take every opportunity to keep the regular folk on their toes. Here’s a fun joke: start off with a low moan that progresses into a belly grab and a bellowing MOOOOOOOO! over the course of an entire minute. After that, you may sit and quietly chirp for a few moments before pretending to fall asleep for 30 seconds. Then skip away gaily.

Do: Ask lots of people to talk to your stomach so that your unborn baby can hear what idiots sound like.

Do: If you are close to your due date, you’ll get those shifty eyed looks from men, hoping they don’t have to witness your water break or help deliver your baby in the middle of Walmart. You can have fun by asking a nervous-looking gentleman to help you get onto the floor, and then when you are settled ask politely if he wouldn’t be too terribly put out to fetch a few blankets, a large knife, and a box of bandaids.

Don’t: forget to include your existing children in all of your giant-bellied attention-getting. Small throw pillows cinched around small waists with small belts under clothing act as mini-bumps, so your kids can be in the spotlight as well. They’ll adore being mini pregnant superstars, too. Bonus points if you dress in matching outfits.

These are fabulous cards to send your grandparents to let them know you’re pregnant:

More Life Lessons can be found here.

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14 Comments

  1. 05/29/2012 / 5:48 am

    See, you've jusu caused me a dilemma. On the one hand I have no desire for children. On the other hand, you make being knocked up sound like so much fun…

  2. 05/29/2012 / 6:39 am

    Oh I loved being pregnant, even though I hated it!

    So funny!!!

    I always thought those men in Walmart had pregnant fetishes!

  3. 05/29/2012 / 7:52 am

    I liked your advice for those people who touch your belly without permission! Hmmm…. wish I knew that back when I was pregnant!

  4. 05/29/2012 / 10:07 am

    you know I needed this so badly. I will follow this list exactly. And you can bet your cute ass I'm wearing heels. Yay for you telling me what to do and what not to do when I get a baby in my belly! xo

  5. 05/29/2012 / 10:11 am

    You are really quite beside yourself. I love it.

  6. 05/29/2012 / 10:26 am

    Being knocked up is a damn blast if you do it right. Yep.

  7. 05/29/2012 / 10:26 am

    Me too. Love. Hate. Love Hate.

  8. 05/29/2012 / 10:28 am

    Thank you. Not quite sure how I thought of that one, but I bet it would stop the unwelcome belly fondling.

  9. 05/29/2012 / 10:29 am

    Good. You never-been-pregnant-before ladies really need a guide like this. It's not fair to the rest of us that we had to fumble through our pregnancies without guidance.

  10. 05/30/2012 / 6:16 am

    I think that tip is brilliant, is hilarious, and would genuinely work. It wouldn't spare you, but with the lesson you teach, it could spare other pregnant ladies.

  11. 05/30/2012 / 1:02 pm

    Hehehe I love the "let me show you where the baby comes out" and also the "MOOOOOOOOOOOO". I should be able to get those in this summer. Thanks for the tips!

  12. 06/03/2012 / 5:24 pm

    That was my favorite tip as well! I loathed it when strangers touched my belly! Now that i have a baby, strangers try to touch him too!

    I did keep wearing heels though!

  13. Cyndy R
    11/13/2018 / 9:20 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! No one ever tried to touch my belly. I have been told that my resting bitch face makes me “unapproachable”. Thank God for small miracles. I remember with my first I ate quite a bit of squeeze cheese and salami. With my second I really overdid Twix bars. With my third I remember eating out a bunch with my small girls because I couldn’t stand to cook, because it made me more nauseous. The fourth I can’t remember what I craved….too many kids to keep track of and all my brains had been stolen. I always had horrible nausea for over 2 months, which is my least favorite kind of misery, but I loved loved loved being preggers and having my baby bump. 🙂

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