I’m going to begin a cutey little catchy theme called, Lifewhack! I have mounds of extremely helpful knowledge to share with all of you, and I simply cannot keep it contained any longer.
First up, in the wake of visiting MOMA in NY, I will educate you in the fine art of experiencing fine art.
What to wear: I cannot stress the importance of wearing black to an art museum. Do I really have to explain this one? I mean, just stop reading now if you don’t understand this rule. And s’il vous plait, don’t wear your back pack on the front of your body. This will cause someone’s husband to whisper to his wife that you are carrying your artificial heart in there, and you will be laughed at.
You vs. the Security Guards: Security guards are there for one reason: to make it impossible for you to experience art in the manner you desire. You need to keep a constant eye trained on those pesky fun-killers, especially when you are feeling the paintings. Flash photography will be a little harder to conceal, so here’s a tip: If you whip a small object, such as a metal ball or syringe across the gallery to the opposite wall, the guards will be temporarily flummoxed- just long enough for you to snap away. (This would be an opportune time to lick the painting as well.)
Bring a point and shoot camera to:
- capture people pretending to be interested in the art
- document fashions you like
- make fun of people, and
- as proof that you saw famous paintings
If you have taken an art history class, feel free to explain to the person you are with everything you know about a specific painting. Strike a casual pose, lean in, and use your hands to expound on things like: composition, proportion, and symbolism. You can bank on getting tons of sex that night.
If you notice a lonely scarf on the ground, give it a wide berth. It’s obviously a conceptual installation piece and should therefore be given its due pondering.
Lastly, If you notice something that is incongruent to your sacred visual experience, notify someone immediately! Whether it’s an ugly person or simply a dust bunny lolling across a platform, you must help to preserve the sanctity of museums. I suggest not only sharing your concerns with each and every security guard you encounter, but also taking the time to pen a letter explaining just what you, as a visitor to the museum, are willing to endure should you decide to ever visit the place again.
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