How to Win at the Gym

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The gym is fun! Remember I said I was gonna re-re-join? I did and I’ve actually been going and only some of the time I sit around reading magazines instead of getting on a machine, ‘cause, hey, free child care. Suckers. Plus, who knew there would be soda and candy machines at a health club?

Since I am smart as a whip, I have noticed that if you don’t enter the gym really fast and determined, you will lose. Once you park your car, the race is on. If you aren’t darting around the joint, bulldozing people out of your way if need be, you will not score the coveted treadmill with the TV attached. You will look like a novice, and people will LAUGH at you.

Now personally, I don’t even watch the TV, but I do like to use the screen to hide behind when I spurt water out of my mouth at the people on the bikes in front of me. Um, who sits down to work out? Come the fuck on.

If the floor is crowded, there are some fail-proof steps you can take to secure a machine. First you have to pace up and down a few times behind the people on the equipment, craning your neck to see who’s been on the longest. This will make them nervous, and they’ll understand that you aren’t to be trifled with.

You may get the flash of a dirty look from the person who was actually next in line for the machines, but they’ll be dealt with soon enough. It’s called patience, folks. When the next treadmill frees up, you have to be completely ready. Pounce. If you don’t sprint over and weave your way through other machines, it’s over. Hop on and immediately press buttons, really fast, to establish your territory. When the previous exerciser comes back to wipe down the machine, wave him off and mutter something about his lame workout probably not producing any sweat anyway.

Now you will most likely have to turn to face the angry competitor to your treadmill. She will be standing behind you with a look of disbelief on her miserable, pinched little face. A small shrug should suffice to send her on her way, and if that doesn’t work, shoo her away with your sweat towel. Are you at the gym to make friends? I think not.

There’s nothing like a vigorous workout to get the system working. In other words, passing gas is encouraged and expected when you’re in the middle of a good run. If your headphones are up high enough, you won’t be able to hear whether your expressions are audible or not. And you won’t have to listen to the conversation that Mrs. Annoying and Mrs. Annoyinger are having next to you about the husbands they hate.

After your totally energizing workout, it’s time for a quick stretch and a steamy shower. This is your time to scrub the stress of the world away and belt out your favorite tunes. Also, usually there’s at least one unlocked locker where you can score some more expensive shampoo than what you brought.

When it’s finally time to go retrieve your kid from the childcare room, it may get a little tricky. Obviously, whenever you sign him in, you use a fake name. This is to ensure you won’t be pulled from your workout should your child poop or cry for too long. If the sitters seem like they are catching on, it is advisable you dress your child, and yourself, in disguises for future visits. You may even find you have a flair for creating the next big fitness fashion craze! I’ll bet wearing ski masks and plastic rain slickers on the treadmill can rival any hot yoga class.

In summary, make the gym your personal haven. This is a time to enjoy and really push yourself, all the while establishing your dominance. It only takes a few extra steps, that, once mastered, will serve you for a lifetime of worry-free exercising.




  1. 09/16/2011 / 9:16 am

    I'm glad someone gets to go to the gym. They took one look at Moose and revoked my membership!

    • 09/17/2011 / 2:35 am

      Oh no! Little Moose got you banned. Now you need to do kid dance parties and play lots of tag for exercise.

  2. 09/16/2011 / 9:22 am

    I'm on my second month at the gym, and still inevitably walk the wrong way, take the wrong locker, don't know where the towels are, etc. you are doing great!

    • 09/17/2011 / 2:36 am

      I love your gym post. I think I may have to start marching into the men's locker room and keep pretending it's an accident. OOPS! MY BAD, FELLAS!

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