Here are some things that terrify Beckett:
1. Scary Halloween skeleton.
2. Penguin cool air vaporiser.
It’s the eyes that do it.
So we blindfold it with a dust mask.
No peeking, you little blue freak.
Here are some things that terrify me:
1. Losing my family.
2. Going completely, batshit crazy.
3. Public speaking.
Now, lately I have been particularly struck when I hear mention of the idea of trying things that scare you. Can anyone guess why I’ve been struck by this idea? No? I’ll tell you. It’s because I know that I’m a little too far into my comfort zone. I’ve gone soft, folks.
As a mom I am focusing on my kids and pushing them and stretching their little brains, but I have slipped into embracing a routine for myself. A routine is something I shunned all through my 20’s, and is what keeps me sane now. In effect, this has come to mean: NOTHING NEW. If something happens, and I didn’t know about it in advance, I FREAK. Usually internally, and usually just a tiny bit, but my carefree, happy-go-lucky days are long gone.
This is why, when I opened a Christmas present from my sister, my eyes bulged out and my heart palpitated and I yelled, OH MY GOD, as I stared down at the paper in my hands. Even though I had asked her about a month earlier if she wanted to run a 5k with me, this was the proof that she had signed us up. Mine was a hypothetical 5k, I mean, I wanted to try a 5k, but not anticipate the 5k.
So essentially, I just completely contradicted myself. On one hand, I want to know about everything that will happen days in advance, but then on the other hand I don’t want to have to live with the anticipation of something coming in the future.
What a mess I am. What a terrible, freakish mess.
Here’s what I’ve deduced: I hate the nervousness of anticipating something that is out of the norm, but I’m really excited about running the 5k. I’m excited to try something new, excited to do something that celebrates being healthy, excited to be a positive role model for my daughter. My mom would have never done something like this. I’m breaking the mold of the women in my family who have always smoked, cocktail-houred (and houred), and not exercised.
This is why we do things that scare us a little because thy make us feel alive, and then we think about things. And we feel feelings! Real, live feelings. Jesus, that’s heady.
Anyway, as 2013 begins, I am focusing on noticing what scares me. Not the giant things beyond my control, but I will enjoy the anticipation of a run, a mammoth blogging conference this coming July, and whatever other little surprises arise throughout the year.