Imitation Crab is the Devil

My 9 year old has his share of food quirks, but they’re mostly healthy. I mean, sure, he is enamored with those solid sugar things you dip in liquid sugar and then in powdery sugar and then suck straight into the crevices of all of your teeth, but on the daily he eats:

  • Raw mushrooms
  • Seaweed
  • Fish
  • Berries
  • Apples
  • Cheese, duh. He’s a human.
  • Chickpeas

This is through no parenting wizardry of my own. He has simply tried all of these foods at one time or another and included them in his mix.

One fascinating thing he has been devouring lately is crab sticks. You know those packages of white fish disguised as crab you can buy that I’m not sure what people do with except put in sushi? He scarfs down a package at a time.

You may be totally impressed with his fish consumption, but holy mother of god did I nearly sprout a random goiter when I read the ingredients.

Here they be:

Imitation crab ingredients Ugh

Nice job, Louis Kemp. Why don’t you throw a few more ingredients not fit for human consumption in there? I think glitter might help you sell a lot more of them.

Or why not start making them in designer colors, like neon and ombre? Actually, you may as well throw some fish hooks in the package and see which kills us first, the hooks or the additives and preservatives.

Boom roasted.

Anyway. I guess I’m sorta wondering why this type of shit is still legal to sell as food, when it barely lives up to its moniker. I’m also wondering how I am still alive after growing up in the 70’s and 80’s. I’m also also secretly high-fiving myself for being so absolutely hypocritical because sometimes I buy Oreos and Cheetos for my fam, but at least then I get to decide what foods I’m going to slowly murder them with.


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