Lifewhack: How to Tell Your Man You Ain’t Having Sex Tonight Due to the Menses

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It’s that time of month and you’ve just endured a week of non-stop cramping and gnawing on chocolate blocks. The floodgates have opened. Two reasons to rejoice are that you aren’t pregnant, and you can count down the days until you have to count down the days to where you start feeling premenstrual again.

You feel fierce woman-power coursing madly through your gorgeous veins and you unpeel your tampon, pausing slightly to consider how to break the news to your man, who has been eyeing you lately like a prized Pringle.

You’ve come to the right place, you fabulous breeder. Pick and choose from amongst the following passive aggressive ways in which to communicate with your partner, then sit back, relax, and enjoy a few days of nervous side-eye.

1. Grab your pom poms, your pigtails, and your moxie, ’cause it’s time for a cheer: “FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE! MENSTRUATION HAS BEGUN!” Then backflip out of the room and retire with a few magazines and a 60 oz Diet Coke.

2. Sometimes the best way to communicate is through art. Actually, slapping is the best way to communicate, but art is a close second.


3. Leaving a trail of feminine hygiene products through out the house is an obvious solution, but can lead to a bloated, cotton-bellied dog. I prefer to stick a few giant maxi pads to the refrigerator and draw faces on them.


4. When your husband runs to the old store for a 6-pack and some chaw, quickly cake mascara and liner all over your eyes and splash water on your face. When he returns, it will look as if you’ve just had a violent crying jag, and he’ll stay the fuck away for the rest of the day.

5. Angry vegetable chopping can be a more subtle cue if your guy is a more sensitive sort. Make sure you throw in a few audible sighs every few seconds.

6. The split second your honey walks in the room, use your clearest outdoor voice and announce, “WELL I GUESS I’D BETTER NOT SWIM IN ANY SHARK-INFESTED WATERS THIS WEEK.”

7. Finally, for those men-folk who aren’t the brightest bulbs in the deck, I would consider posting a sign on your nether regions that reads, “Gone Fishin” “Occupied”, or something equally cute/disgusting.



  1. 08/12/2016 / 6:19 am

    OMG this is HILARIOUS!

  2. Kate
    08/22/2016 / 6:18 pm

    Bahahaha you had me at ‘prized pringle’!

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