I’m A Low-Down, Dirty, No Good Thief

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Some things that have happened today are that I spied this spider eating a fellow insect. I actually took a video of it, fancying myself an amateur National Geographic cinematographer, but I’ll spare you the gore.

I try to remove this giant spider web from my kitchen window every few days, but the inhabitant is a stubborn motherfucker and rebuilds almost immediately. Usually she is nowhere to be seen, lurking and laughing at me from behind the scenes, but today I captured her in all her wild suburban splendor.

spider eating bug

Spider – or miniature cephalopod?

Something else is that I am a felon.

I was all up in Target today, as per usual, and upon returning to my car with my bags and cart and iced green tea refill from Starbucks because I stay in Target until I finish the first giant green tea so I can get a refill for the road, because I have some sort of weird little addiction to beverages and Target, I put the bags in the car and then put the cart away but couldn’t find the cup holder that you latch onto the side of the cart.

I shrugged so hard and said nothing, (that would have been maybe taking the whole bored housewife thing a little too far if I had spoken to myself.)

When I returned home and lugged the bags inside, I noticed the cup holder was stuck onto one of the bags. A STOWAWAY!

This time you can bet I talked to myself, screaming and yelling all the way inside to be cool, be cool, no one saw me accidentally totally steal the cup holder. But OH SHIT Target has parking lot cameras. I’m too young and pretty to go to jail. SHIT. What will become of my CHILDREN WITH NO MOTHER? Will Christian remarry while I’m in jail? Do they have Starbucks in jail?

Anyway, this reminds me of when I used to go to the mall with my friend Karen for like 5 hours at a time. We would loiter in the stores, try on everything at The Limited, stealthily follow cute boys around, eat at Arby’s, and then steal makeup at Woolworth. I totally got nabbed when I was 14, and my mom had to come bail me out.

Okay, gotta go pee and put on makeup for my mugshot. Feel free to leave any stories below of your run-ins with the law.



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