Since sugar is delicious and yummy and fun, all the people in charge have decided it’s bad for us and will kill us, hurt our teeth, and give us the diseases. Some other people have tried to sell us fake-sweetened candy, but it tastes like utter balls, so some of us have tried to cut back a little bit on our m&ms habit.
If you want to be really hardcore about it and feel comfortable being “that house” on Halloween, here are some non-candy ideas to dole out to the kids and teenagers who wear hoodies and don’t even try at all and don’t make eye contact or say trick-or-treat and mumble something as they shuffle away:
#1: Leftover socks that lost their mate
#2: Yourself! Hop right on into that bag, and out of your humdrum life
#3: Kids adore getting your extra pennies, so give each of them 2
#4: Business cards of dentists in your neighborhood
#5: A cupful of stevia! Just pour it right in the bag and scream something about not fast-tracking it to tooth rot city
#6: Mime out the movements of you reaching into a huge bowl and throwing handfuls of candy into their bags. Do this 3 or 4 times for each child and send them off with a pat to their sweet little upturned cheek
#7: Pull a packet of Goobers out of your bowl, and dangle it over their bag while you tell them tales of Halloweens of yore. Kids live for hanging around and socializing with the neighborhood adults.
#8: E-cigs – apparently kids are going gaga for these new smokey devices! Give ‘em what they want or they’ll egg your house. I think they come in all sorts of fun flavors, too, so maybe there’s a pumpkin spice or spooky boo-berry.
#9: Anvils like in the cartoons! Hilarious.
#10: Eye of newt
#11: Type out a special Halloween poem, copy it on the old mimeograph and give each child one. Don’t possess the gift of rhyme? Here’s one for you:
Pumpkins are orange
Bats are black
Instead of candy, have a carrot for a snack
Night of black
The terror within your soul
As you are consumed by
The demon within
To keep it contained
On this Hallows’ Eve
(This should be a cracking hit with the kiddos)
#12: A handful of Bitcoins 🤯 Wrap your head around that one, Dracula
#13: Blow up balloons and stuff one in each child’s bag. That way, they’ll look full and yummy without all the added weight of candy.
#14: Fun printable awards for a great costume. Here is a downloadable pdf so you can decorate them with glitters and whatnots, and present them to all those fresh-faced ghouls.