So You Don’t Have to Talk to Your “Friends” at Dinner

It’s your month to have the gang over for dinner. Last time Jenny made her famous Rubbed Pork Chops with Distressed Figs and Tickled Apple Essence. Before that, Anne, who works 85 hours a week had her dinner catered by the ghost of Charlie Trotter, and now it’s your turn!

Since you hate to cook, and wonder how you became friends with these horrific people in the first place, you are totally, overwhelmingly not cut out for the task.

What’s a shitty cook to do?

I got you covered, fam. Tonight’s meal is all about distractions. We’re talking free-flowing booze from the moment everyone walks in, tight jams, and embarrassing secrets leaked at opportune moments to mask the grocery store chicken and fries you served on a bed of bagged arugula.

The piece de resistance however, is the way your tablescape lures your friends in with invitations for childlike play and anti-social behavior.

Many tall, lush flower arrangements all across the center of the table should ensure no pesky small talk leaks to and fro. Add to that these fun adult activity placemats and ear-splitting acid jazz, and your night will virtually take care of itself.

Click the image below to download a pdf of your very own fun placemat. These will print at 11×17, and I HIGHLY recommend you print dozens upon hundreds of them.

P.S. Here are my favorite pens, for real:

 Paper Mate Gel Pens


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