Lifewhack Life Lessons: How to Conduct Yourself as a Wedding Guest

Ah, weddings. The quintessential symbol of love and commitment. And crazy hijinks!

We’ve all been to weddings where alcohol and fun times were flowing, and you are probably expecting this Lifewhack to be packed full of drunken escapades. No, you must stay completely stone sober for this one, folks. You need to bring your A-game to the next wedding you attend if you want to be the designated fun-maker.

At the wedding

Wear a modified wedding dress. Whether you’re male or female, this touch will be much appreciated by the bride, who will thoroughly enjoy your show of support.

Practice your fake spray-sneezes. Nobody will dare to sit in front of you, and you’ll have an unimpeded view of the vows (not to mention the best man, hubba hubba).

Insert yourself into the wedding photos- but subtly enough so no one will notice until after it’s too late. They’ll look back and laugh and really appreciate your social commentary on the precious exclusivity of weddings.

Pick someone out of the crowd and train your eyes on the back of their head- really bore in until they feel uncomfortable and look around. Then confuse them by miming the cutting-the-throat sign, followed by a big, juicy wink.

Rice is taboo to throw at the bride and groom as they leave the ceremony. Something about blowing up birds to 40 times their original size as it sits in their stomach. I for one would enjoy bird blimps at my wedding, but instead, why don’t you try glitter bombing the couple? Not only is it en vogue, it’s also just plain wedding festive.

At the Reception

Spread a rumor that the bride may be in a ‘delicate condition’. Technically it’s not a lie. She may be someday.

Make a toast on stage. Tell a lively story about your cousin’s pet guinea pigs, cry a little, and end with a dramatic bow to the happy couple. The guests will be left to puzzle over the relevance of your story for the rest of the night and many will actually form theories. This is storytelling gold, right here. You will most likely get laid tonight because of your wittiness.

Leave secret love notes on peoples’ seats. This will eventually result in a room full of people looking around nervously and curiously, much like a Spider Monkey exhibit at the zoo.

Hire a clown to show up and make balloon animals.

Take your own videos, edit them a la a reality show and post them on You Tube.

Special Tip: It’s so ridiculous to me that people get all stressed out about what to buy as wedding gift. You need to remember this: Gift registries are for chumps; don’t go the easy route and pick something off the list to buy. You want to make a lasting impression, and one way to do this is to go the gag gift route:

Or, if you’ve always wanted to scratch that creative itch, why not paint an enormous portrait of them, in a loving embrace, for above their sofa? You can buy a beautiful pre-framed canvas at a thrift store, and tempera paints are cheap at Walmart!

Don’t forget to send the lovers off with a flourish- You thought tin cans tied to the back of the car were hilarious- why don’t you up the ha-ha factor and tone down the “trite-as-hell” a bit and tie on some bottles of red wine, watermelons, cement blocks, spray paint and lemons and Barbies and guns and stuff?

Probably my favorite wedding trick ever is to slash all the guests’ tires during the reception. This sets the scene for a Breakfast Club type stranding for the rest of the night where you can all share intimate secrets about your lives and bond over the unfairness of where you were seated for dinner and life in general.

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