Yesterday, while at Target, I was able to buy all the groceries my little heart desired, but the toilet paper and tissue aisles were wiped bare. No pun intended, butt besides the fact that it looked super creepy, I was flabbergasted.
If the people didn’t buy all the food, but they DID buy all the toilet paper, what were they going to need to wipe away? It didn’t balance out logically, and it made me angry. Not because I’m about to run out of t.p, but because I need things to land evenly.
Today I am wondering if thousands of people woke up, climbed over their pyramid of toilet paper to make coffee, and wondered what came over them.
Or maybe they felt terribly pleased that they had the energy to dash to Walmart yesterday on their lunch break and fill their cart with poo-paper just in time to get back to work and fist bump their co-workers.
Maybe they crawled back into bed, over their toilet paper pyramid, with coffee, Sharpie, and price tag stickers in hand, calculating the percentage of markup they could get away with before they set up their toilet paper stand in the front yard.
In any event, if you didn’t snap up 6 months worth of t.p. and are slightly wondering what you’ll do when you can’t buy it at stores, I got you so covered.
Here are 7 legit ways to beat the toilet-paper shortage of Coronamageddon.
- Leaves: Use leaves liberally and proudly. You are channelling your inner pioneer PLUS saving Mother Earth (even though you will be dead soon.) Here is a post that explains exactly which leaves to use on your nether regions. And which leaves not to use: “Remember the “Three–In–One Isn’t Fun” rule”
- Steal your neighbor’s toilet paper. Okay, guys? Your neighbors are in g.d. lemming mode right now, following the t.p. herd, but they haven’t yet reached all-out panic level. They still have a little bit of trust for their fellow humans remaining, which is why this is precisely the time to strike. There are 2 ways to go about this:
a. Ninja-kick their door down and head straight for the basement to nab the goods.
b. Sneak in in the dead of night using the key they gave you in case they locked themselves out. Duh. Brill.
- Towels: If you have a spouse or significant other, their towel is fair game. Absorbent and porous is he.
- Dog: Dogs have such an annoying habit of trotting over and staring at you when you pee. I haven’t found a good way to get back at them until right now.
- Bag of frozen peas: Hell, we use them for everything else, why not as toilet paper?
- Ebay: Why would you not turn to the epicenter of antique actions for toilet paper?
7. Go out to lots and lots of restaurants and grocery stores. Nobody else is, so you can release your waste freely without a care in the world! Enjoy the friendships you’ll strike up with the staff, as you sip your water with Corona-lemon garnish and try to convince yourself you don’t have a scratchy throat.
As you can see, with a little bit of creativity, you can beat this toilet paper shortage in the most wonderful of ways, while pushing yourself out of your comfort zone a bit, oui?