Your Guide to Slaying Black Friday

Dammit, I’m pumped. Black Friday is on its way and I’m gonna sleep right through it, thank the gods for internet shopping.

Some of you foolish mortals will be out and about, participating in the great mosh pit of shopping, and boy do I have some awesome tips for you.

Boy, do I. Boy, I do.

Black Friday Tips n Tricks

1. In lieu of turkey, fill your belly with so many beans this Thanksgiving, because that invisible ammo will be your main secret weapon all night long.

2. If accompanied by a friend, connect yourselves by wrapping either end of a large, sturdy rope around your bodies, thereby keeping you safe and connected at all times. Leave about 2 feet of rope between you to trap the security guard that comes to investigate your shenanigans.

3. Balls! Run straight to the toy aisle and empty out those giant bags of colorful toy balls so that the other shoppers lose their balance and fall to the floor in a comical ode to that scene in about 40 movies.

4. This one is almost too obvious to mention, but several days before Black Friday, tuck away all the good stuff you want to buy, so you can quickly and easily find it right when you get to the store.

Ideas for small items:

  • Cut small secret doors in mannequin butts to hide things.
  • Inside of the paper towel tubes in a pack at the back of the shelf.
  • In your cheek, but you can’t leave the store then because that is considered shoplifting, so just camp out there for a few days.

Ideas for Large Items:

  • On the ceiling. No one thinks to look up at stores.
  • Under large blankets. Everything becomes invisible under large blankets.
  • Grab a bunch of Elves on the Shelves to place around the large item of your choice to ward off usurpers. No one fucks with the elves.

5. Just get high as a kite before shopping, so nothing will bother you.

6. Plan your trip with maps, directions, alternate driving routes, best snack destinations, detailed store maps, itineraries for each participant, escape plans, and survival guides.

7. Similarly, dress appropriately for the occasion. In years past, I’ve chosen a look based on fly-fishing chic. Here’s why.

Vest: Carry around your essentials whilst shopping: flask, taser, protein powder, list, highlighters, smoke bombs, several calculators, condoms.

Waders-n-boots: People obviously don’t have time to visit the bathroom while panic-shopping, so you will be happy to be wearing your waders for obvious reasons. In addition, the camo lets you stealthily slip in and out of displays, steal people’s items from carts, and basically just look totally badass.

Fly Fishing Lures:┬áThese are just for whipping at people to blind them so they don’t nab the things you want.

8. Print out some big red tags that say RESERVED and tape them on the items you want so nobody else can have them.

9. Pimp your cart: lasers, sirens, fireshooters, and deadly knives that cut other people’s carts are all effective at helping you get the deals and steals you are looking for, sans competition.

Above all, have fun and remember it’s damn near impossible to not spend about 3 times what you had budgeted to spend, so enjoy the irony of the whole reason you embarked on this madness in the first place!

black friday humor



  1. Cyndy R
    11/24/2018 / 11:05 am

    Bwaahahahahahahahahaaa! I don’t do BF in person either cause tons of people jostling for stuff is eeewwww. But this post is hilarious and I would die of laughter to see a woman all decked out in fishing garb pushing through the crowds!

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